


Written for the Dean to My Cas

by a_qualitystudentharmony



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Actor Dean Winchester, Alternate Universe - Actors, Breaking Up & Making Up, Dean/Cas Big Bang (Supernatural), Dean/Cas Big Bang 2020 (Supernatural), Idiots in Love, M/M, Past Infidelity, Writer Castiel (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:07:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27110932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_qualitystudentharmony/pseuds/a_qualitystudentharmony
Summary: He’s the Dean to your Cas.Whenever Cas and Dean argued, any of their friends would remind them: You’re the Dean to his Cas. You’re the Cas to his Dean. At the lows of their relationship, the phrase became a reminder of everything they had to hold on to.After The Mistake, any and all talk of their relationship ceased. Cas and Sam remained friendly, but Dean shut down at any mention of his former lover.Months later, a romance novel, The Michael to My James, was published, and it reached NY Times’ Best Seller List in days. The title itself had given Dean pause, but when he read the author’s name in fine print underneath, he refused to even read the blurb. He continued to avoid reading the book until he was asked specifically to audition for the movie adaptation.Dean didn’t want to star in a movie about his own life, but work was work. However, what he didn’t realize was that the person who would be starring right alongside him, as his love interest, was the author himself. Castiel freakin’ Novak.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 61
Kudos: 126
Collections: DCBB 2020





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Good lord this has been a journey. I kept telling myself that it was a bad idea to sign up for one of the biggest bangs this fandom offers when this is my first full fic. But now that I've written it out and read the final project, I'm kinda happy that beginning-of-quarantine-me was such an idiot.
> 
> I wanted to thank my literal best friend, [@endlessnepenthe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/endlessnepenthe/pseuds/endlessnepenthe), for all of her help throughout this entire process. From my first kinda vague idea about where I wanted this to go, to my messed up writing process, to reading through my semi-final drafts, she's offered feedback and ideas. Thank you Endy for putting up with my insane procrastination and then my equally as crazy bursts of inspiration.
> 
> I've also got some friends on Discord who I met through writing servers that I reached out to for help and were more than happy to offer assistance. Thank you Geni and Nab for help on some scenes and tagging and just writing in general.
> 
> And to a wonderful artist! I've never seen something I've written portrayed in art, so seeing your art to this story blew me away. You can find it [here](https://girlinthemirrorbluenight-library.tumblr.com/post/632422673754079232/my-art-for-the-2020-deancasbigbang-check-out-the). It was a pleasure working with you, and go check out some of her other amazing [works](https://girlinthemirrorbluenight-library.tumblr.com/)!

_Dedication: To the Michael to my James_

_“The first thing you ever said to me was ‘Cake is stupid. Pie is where it’s at.’ I was five minutes from finishing a long shift at the bakery when you sauntered in, threw your backpack down on a table, and winked at me. I was torn between annoyed that you dirtied the table I had just wiped down and flattered that someone so attractive would immediately take notice of me. That is, until you then opened your mouth and criticized my favorite dessert. I was appalled. How dare a stranger walk into my work place and argue with me about the cakes that I had spent so long making and decorating._

_“I had not known it at the time, but eventually I would come to agree with you about pie. Secretly, cake would, and always will, remain my favorite dessert, but whenever you asked, I would respond with ‘pie,’ if only to see you smile.”_

\---------------

Dean puts down the book. Of course Novak would end up writing a romance. He _remembers_ how hot it was that day and how all he wanted was a slice of pie. He _remembers_ walking into Garth’s little corner coffee shop right at the edge of campus and seeing cake, of all things, on the display. 

Fuckin’ Sammy shouldn’t have bought him the stupid book. He’s not gonna read his own damn life story. He knows how _that_ particular story ends. It doesn’t matter that it’s a best seller. Dean’s not one to buy into the hype. He’s got enough drama of his own.

And so he didn’t. He managed to keep Novak out of his head for years. He had not even touched the book, not even after rumors start spreading of a film adaptation. 

When his agent wants to involve him, however, he finds he can’t ignore a well-written book anymore, no matter how much he wants to.

+1 attachment from [ pamelabarnes.acting@gmail.com ](mailto:pamelabarnes.acting@gmail.com)

\-- Hey Dean. I just got off the phone with Gabriel Novak. He apparently just signed on to direct the film adaptation of his brother’s book. You want in? The pay might be a bit below what you’re used to, but the exposure will definitely highlight your range as an actor. Plus Gabe asked for you specifically. Something about you being perfect for the part?

Give me a call soon, Pam

Dean knows exactly what Pam is talking about the minute he reads Gabriel’s name. Of course Gabe would go and ask for him by name. Years of ignoring Cas’s book had finally come back to bite him in the ass in the form of a job offer he couldn’t refuse, no matter how much he wanted to.


	2. Chapter 1

Dean walks into the audition room knowing that he’s gonna end up getting the part. He usually isn’t very cocky - okay fine. He knows he’s cocky... occasionally - but this is different. He knows exactly what was going through Gabriel Novak’s head when he sent the email to Pam asking for Dean specifically. It’s the same thing that’s been haunting him for years. He has been perfectly fine convincing himself that he didn’t need to go talk to Cas. Castiel had every reason to not want to see him, and Dean knew that it would be unfair of him to appear out of the blue just to  _ talk, _ especially after what he did to him.

He doesn’t really know how involved authors are when their books are turned into movies, as he’s only been in one other adapted film. What he does know is that because Gabriel is Castiel’s brother, and that because Gabriel is his new boss for the time being, he is going to make Dean spend as much time with Castiel as possible for kind-of-coworkers.

Dean doesn’t expect Castiel to be standing on the other side of the door. He had assumed that the author wouldn’t have to be present for first-step auditions. But he guesses that anything goes, considering their history.

He would recognize those blue eyes anywhere. The minute he’d opened the door to the small room, they’d immediately locked on him. For a moment, he holds the gaze, wondering what kind of joke would make the intensity in them dim into something softer.

_ Like they used to _ , his brain unhelpfully supplies. He maturely tells it to shut up.

Someone coughs. “Mr. Winchester. I would introduce you to Mr. Novak, but it seems you two are already familiar with each other.”

Lukas Milton. Oscar-winning producer. Dean is absolutely floored that he’ll possibly - probably - be able to work alongside the man.

“Mr. Milton” he turns and shakes Lukas’s hand. “It’s so nice to finally meet you in person after so many emails and calls.”

“Likewise.” Lukas turns to Castiel, “So Castiel, you have met Mr. Dean Winchester?”

Instead of answering, Castiel offers his hand to Dean. “It is nice to see you, Dean Winchester.”

“Hey Cas.”

“I’d rather you call me Castiel. You don’t have the part yet.” Dean thinks that Cas was exaggerating when he said ‘nice to see you.’

He shakes off his embarrassment and finishes introducing himself to the rest of the production team, which consists of Gabe - who he knew already - and Charlie, the screenwriter.. He’d normally gush to the director about how happy he was to be considered for the role and compliment the author on his work - most people enjoy being commended - but Cas is avoiding eye contact.

“If I may interrupt,” Gabriel speaks up. “We only have about an hour and a half to run a few scenes, seeing as Cassie here has somewhere to be.”

“Why does Cas- excuse me,” Dean corrects himself, “ _ Castiel _ ’s being here affect the audition? Is this not a one-on-one? I thought I was just here to audition for the part of Michael Campbell.”

“Oh, you are, Mr. Winchester,” Lukas says. “Castiel is here because he’s going to be playing the part of James Shurley.” Wait. Cas is doing  _ what? _ “I thought it best that he be present for all of the initial auditions. It’s best to eliminate possible actors that don’t get along with him in the beginning. It’s all about the chemistry, isn’t that right Castiel?”

Cas moves his head about a millimeter in what could be a nod, if Dean squints. Really squints.

They make it through a tense read-through of a few key scenes before Cas throws down his script. Dean is then left to stand awkwardly as Cas, Luke, Gabriel, and the redhead have a short, heated discussion. 

They whisper loud enough that Dean can make out a few words. He learns that Cas hadn’t known Dean would be there, and Gabe says something that earns him a slap on the shoulder. The redhead - Charlie, he thinks - suggests something that angers Cas, if the way he stomps away from the discussion is any indication.

“Cassie,” Gabriel speaks up, “you know she’s got a point. It is a  _ chemistry _ read.”

Suddenly Cas looks right at Dean, and he now thinks he knows exactly what they’re trying to talk Cas into. What he doesn’t expect, though, is for Cas to then stomp towards  _ him _ , and the look in his eyes makes Dean gulp.

He’s muttering under his breath, “They want chemistry. They’ll get fucking chemistry.”

Dean is so surprised to hear Cas cursing that he’s momentarily unaware of Cas getting closer to him. Suddenly, there’s six feet of angry Castiel in his face, and then a pair of lips slam into Dean’s. They’re kissing.  _ Cas is kissing him _ .

It’s messy and more teeth than tongue, but Dean relishes in it. His body reacts the way it always did when Cas kissed him. His hands move on their own, coming up to hold the sides of Cas’s face. Cas’s own hands are gripped tightly in Dean’s shirt. The feeling is so familiar, but so foreign. It’s everything Dean has been missing, and then it’s gone.

Cas pushes himself off of Dean, shoving him back against the wall with a thud, and glares at the three in the corner.

“I hope you got the chemistry you wanted.” He storms out of the room. Dean finally comes back to himself, and he spares a glance at the remaining people in the room. Charlie and Lukas have similar looks of surprise on their faces whereas the grin on Gabe’s face can only be described as shit-eating.

“What was that about, Gabe?” Dean asks, because he’s confused as  _ fuck _ , and he’s still trying to recover from being fucking  _ manhandled _ .

“Cassie might not have known you would be auditioning. It took me long enough to convince him to star in the movie. I think that if I told him outright that I’d emailed your agent, he’d disown me.”

Dean remains frozen in place, looking at Gabe in disbelief, “Why hadn’t you told me that Cas was going to be in the movie?”

“Would you be standing here right now if I had, Dean?” Gabe asks, and honestly, Dean doesn’t think he would. Gabe knows his answer and just shakes his head.

Dean turns and walks out, and he hears Gabe’s sigh behind the closing door. He’s pretty sure Gabe said, “this is going to be a long project,” and he couldn’t agree more.

He spots Cas down the hall, sitting against the wall with his head in his hands. He looks up when he hears the door close, and his eyes widen when he spots Dean. Dean can make out the faint red in his cheeks and the welling of tears in his eyes. Fuck. Cas had been on the verge of crying.

He wipes his face angrily and his initial shock at seeing that Dean had followed him turns into anger. “What are you doing, Dean?”

“Well,” Dean starts, “I was just coming out here to talk to you.”

“No,” Cas interrupts. “What are you doing here. Don’t you know what this movie’s about?”

“No shit, Cas. Gabriel emailed my agent, so here I am. I had no idea you were going to be here, much less be  _ starring _ as yourself. I thought you didn’t act anymore.”

“I don’t, Dean. Gabe asked me nonstop for a month before I finally gave in, and I’m now realizing how bad of an idea that was. I would have been perfectly content watching someone else act out my life. I never expected to see you, playing  _ yourself _ .”

“I promised myself that I wasn’t going to get emotional about any of this. This was just supposed to be another job,” Dean defends himself, and apparently it was the wrong thing to say. Cas becomes even more closed off, and if Dean thought he was distant before, he was dead wrong.

“Then let me do my job, and you can do yours.”

“My job?”

Cas sighs. “Yes Dean. You know you’re going to get the part. Gabe asked for you specifically, and I’m pretty sure this is all part of some big plan to get us to talk again. I could go without talking to you, so I’d rather keep this professional. No feelings involved, since it’s just another  _ job _ .”

“No, of course not,  _ Castiel _ ,” Dean sneers.

“Of course not,” Cas mocks under his breath. “Then would you please leave me alone to process this new turn of events?”

“Well then how the hell, Cas, are we going to act like we’re in love if you can’t look me in the eye?” Dean challenges, but Cas still doesn’t look up.

“You don’t have to worry about my acting, Dean Winchester,” Cas bites back. “This isn’t ‘my first rodeo,’ unlike what you might think. Don’t forget that I  _ did _ take the same acting classes you did. That the professor taught me just as he taught you. How to control your face. Changes in your voice. How to express yourself and draw from feelings, from  _ memories _ . I’m pretty sure I’ll have no difficulty pulling up some of  _ those _ for this project, hm?” At this, Cas lifts his eyes, blue irises surrounded by bloodshot whites with tears visibly about to spill over. Whatever Dean was thinking is lost.

“I-”

“Just don’t,” Cas interrupts. “We’ve gotten ourselves into a mess. Best we stay on our best behavior, right?”

“Sure Cas.”

“I’d suggest you do the same, try to stay professional, I mean. From here on out we are just coworkers. Not friends. Not anything else. And if you can’t get a hold on your emotions…”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I’m not the one sitting in a hallway,” and Dean walks away.


	3. Chapter 2

Cas feels like he’s going to have a heart attack. Everything around him is giving him déjà vu. He’s back in Lawrence, standing in the bakery that he worked at in college. Seeing its pastel-colored walls and cream linoleum floors in this light is like watching a home video - it’s nostalgic, and it makes him miss what was. The same booths line the walls while the same tables are arranged around the center. Even the napkin holders haven’t changed.

Garth is in the kitchen, still mixing batters and kneading doughs. Doing the same thing he’s been doing for years. He was gracious enough to let Gabe and the production team film in his café on the corner, at the edge of KU’s campus, but he’s still got a store to run. Cas lets himself fall into an old but familiar routine.

When Garth had realized that Cas still had a knack for cake decorating, he immediately put him to work. “If you and your brother are going to drag your cameras and fancy lights into my café and push out all the customers for weeks of filming, I should get something in return. I’ve still got orders to complete, and you’re going to help me complete them. I don’t care that you ‘n Dean are famous now. I’m technically the reason you’re both here right now.” He’d received an eye roll from both Cas and Dean before Dean was called to makeup.

Cas turns back to the purple flowers he’s putting on a senior’s grad cake. He doesn’t really think that the flowers match the black and gold symbolizing a cap and gown, but it’s not his place. Apparently the boy’s school color is purple, and his parents - mom - asked for purple, so purple flowers it is. He is so focused on his decorating that he almost misses Gabe’s announcement of “five minutes.”

He’s gotten to lettering “Congratulations Jo-”on the cake when he hears “Action!” and he’s almost done with “Jonathan” when Dean bursts through the door.

Cas doesn’t want to risk looking up before his cue, so he fixes his gaze on the clashing purple and black until he hears “Cake is stupid. Pie is where it’s at.” He has to put down the piping bag and take a few shaky breaths before he can react.

He looks up, and Dean winks at him. It takes him a minute to recover from that alone, and Dean seems to notice his hesitation. He scowls. 

“Would you mind not throwing your dirty backpack around, please?” he asks, not having to feign his annoyance.

“Well,” Dean says, then looks down at Cas’s shirt, where his nametag sits, “James.” He puts emphasis on his character name, and the irony isn’t lost on Cas. “It’s been a long day, and I came in here looking for a slice of pie. There’s not a single pie in sight.”

“I apologize if I’ve inconvenienced you by not having pie prepared for your unexpected arrival,” Cas says with a bite, “but I’ll have you know this bakery isn’t run just for you.”

“Pleasure? Who talks like that? Don’t get your panties in a bunch,” Dean grins, and Cas’ll be damned if that doesn’t make him weak in the knees, “blue eyes. I usually get pie, but for you I’ll try your danged cakes. Are they any good?”

“Depends on what flavor you like, asshole,” Cas spits, with more force than he intended, and he accidentally swipes the cake with the piping bag. He drops the bag and drags his hand down his face, “shit.”

Gabe shouts “Cut!” and walks right behind the counter and into Cas’s space, “Castiel! Can I have a word with you?”

He drags Cas outside into the parking lot and starts fussing as soon as they’re out of earshot. “What the hell is up, Cas?”

“I can’t do this Gabe,” Cas cries dejectedly. He’s already close to giving up the project, and they’re still in the first week of shooting.

“Why not?” Gabe asks. “Is it the script? I thought you rather liked ‘blue eyes’ more than the original, ‘angel face.’ We agreed to change up some of the nicknames and locations for privacy’s sake, didn’t we?”

“It’s not the script Gabe. I approved everything before the final script was printed and distributed to the cast.”

“Then what, Cassie? Is it the location? Garth seemed really excited to have you back, even if it was just for the few days we filmed here.”

“It’s _everything_ , Gabe. It’s the wording, because it’s better but so much worse than what I remember being said. It’s the location, because even though I’d seen Dean in class, this was the first time he said a word to me. It’s this stupid movie, and my stupid part in it. I couldn’t have just said no. I let myself give in, and now I’m forced to relive the best years of my life knowing how it ended. Knowing it’s not real.”

Cas feels like he’s been punched in the gut when he finally admits it out loud, but the words had to be said. He pauses to take a deep breath, “It’s the fact that Dean Winchester is standing in front of me, talking with me like he means it, and hell if I didn’t hate it, even though it’s just acting. It’s the fact that he’s here, and still, nothing is going to change what happened between us.”

When Gabe says nothing, he tells him, “I’m done filming today.” He turns and doesn’t wait for Gabe’s reaction, but he does catch him mumbling under his breath.

“It’s literally the second day. Goddammit Cassie.” To Cas’s complete surprise, however, Gabe doesn’t follow him. He would have thought Gabe would send someone after him, then, but no one comes.

Cas doesn’t get even a call from Gabe until later that night, hours after he’s left the set and driven all the way back to the apartment they’re renting. He lets his phone ring until it goes silent and listens to the voicemail instead.

“Hey Cassie. Don’t be pissy at me. I know you’re avoiding my call.” He hears Gabe sigh into the phone, “I know today was hard, but it’ll probably only get worse. We’re not even a week into shooting, and this is the first scene in a long line of _so_ many more. Every single day is gonna bring back memories I know you’d rather not face. If it makes you feel better, Dean is probably going through the same thing. Just try and treat it like a role, not like it’s your life story. I’ll be working late tonight, so see you tomorrow baby bro.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cas is in the middle of making dinner when his phone buzzes. When he picks it up, he’s shocked to see “Sam Winchester” flash across his screen. He answers right away. It’s been at least a few months since he’s spoken to Sam.

“Hello Sam. It’s been too long.”

“Hi Cas. I just wanted to check in on you. How’s shooting going?”

“I honestly don’t want to get into that. How are you?”

“I’m doing well, honestly. Law school kicked my ass this year, and it was only my first year,” Sam huffs, and Cas laughs. Sam was always a bright kid, and Cas has had the honor of watching him grow into a brilliant young man. He’s only 23, but he’s got an amazing future ahead of him.

“I’ve got the summer off,” Sam continues, “so I’m back in Kansas visiting everyone. It just so happens that Dean’s also in town, filming you guys’s new movie. He stopped by and told Mom and Dad that he was planning on staying in a hotel, but you know them. Mom smacked him on the head and Dad told him to cancel the reservation. He actually seemed pretty relieved to be back home.”

“I’m glad to hear that Sam. It’s about time the four of you were in one house again.”

“What about you, Cas? I know your parents moved back to Illinois to be closer to family when you graduated college. Does Gabe have a house in Kansas?” Leave it to Sam to ask about his wellbeing, despite his and Dean’s feelings towards each other. 

He had always liked Sam, who became his honorary younger brother the minute they met. He was so grateful that they stayed in touch after the breakup.

“Gabe’s probably got a house everywhere _but_ Kansas,” he says sarcastically, and Sam snorts through the speaker. “He and I are renting an apartment together in the city. A hotel would have been out of the question, since so much of the filming is taking place in Kansas.”

“I bet my parents would have let you stay with us, Cas. Actually, they definitely would have. They asked where in town you were staying when Dean came home, and Mom was not happy with his shrug of an answer.” Cas smiles at Sam’s suggestion because the thing is, he knows. 

Mary and John had become his second set of parents when he and Dean were together. Honestly, the Winchester family had basically adopted him into their own family, despite his own family living in the next city over. The Winchesters and Novaks became close over the years that he and Dean dated, and he’s pretty sure that his mom and Mary are still penpals or something. Becky Novak and Mary Winchester were a _pair_.

Cas is brought back into the present when he hears the faint sound of movement through the phone. “I wouldn’t have wanted to intrude, Sam. Tell your parents hi for me?”

“Cas. You wouldn’t have been intruding. You _know_ everyone took your side after the breakup. After she read the book, I’m pretty sure Mom didn’t let Dean back into the house for at least a month. Hell, even Dad was cold to Dean after he read it. John Winchester doesn’t share emotions, or read for that matter, and he said outright at the dinner table that your book was one of the best, _in front of Dean_.”

Cas has to choke back a sob. John had been a bit distant with him at the beginning of their relationship while he was coming to terms with his son’s sexuality (though it very well could have been the fact that Dean also wanted to be an actor). As their relationship progressed though, John Winchester became one of his biggest supporters. To hear that John had read his work and loved it made Cas miss the old man that much more.

“How did Dean react to that?” Cas can’t help but ask. Oh to be a fly on the wall of that particular dinner conversation.

“He choked. It was the funniest thing. Then Dad was all like, ‘You _have_ read it, haven’t you Dean?’ And then Dean didn’t respond, and then everyone at the table was all like, ‘Oh my god Dean how have you not read it?!’”

Cas laughs, but it’s pained. Of course Dean would avoid the book. He had always hated reading, and usually didn’t read unless it was crucial for an audition or interview. That thought stops Cas in his tracks. Sam is still droning on. Something about Jo, Ellen, and Bobby being at the dinner and also being appalled at Dean. He doesn’t really hear what Sam is saying though.

 _Has Dean actually read my book? Does he truly_ know _what he ruined?_

“Sam. Sam. Sam!” Cas has to say Sam’s name multiple times before he stops talking.

“What is it Cas?”

“Has Dean read _The Michael to my James_?”

Sam laughs at the urgency in Cas’s voice, but when Cas doesn’t say anything, he asks, “Are you serious?”

“Of course, Sam,” Cas wants to know if Dean has read the book. It would give him some answers to the questions he had about Dean’s behavior.

“Wouldn’t he have to, since he’s starring in the movie?” Sam sounds confused.

“Sam. Your brother once told me he didn’t read through scripts unless he got the part.”

Cas can vividly recall that day and exactly what Dean said: “‘The secret to some of my best auditions was not reading the whole of what they sent. I read through and memorize my lines and the lines said directly before them. That way, I get the tone of the scene without having to actually read the whole thing.”

At Cas’s disapproving look, which he was made aware of later, Dean had laughed, “Don’t look at me like that, Angel. It gets real depressing in the beginning when you give 100% to something you might not even end up involved in. Plus, I’m working at Bobby’s almost every evening, and my classes ain’t gettin’ easier. As much as I want each part I audition for, I can’t afford to slack in school or at work. Plus, slacking on Bobby’s watch to go read through a script would probably get me smacked, or I could get seriously hurt if I got distracted while actually working on a car or with some of the tools in the garage.”

Cas wasn’t completely convinced, but he’d let the matter slide because he partly understood where Dean was coming from. Both men wanted to pursue a career that was unpredictable at best, completely unsuccessful at worst. As an aspiring writer, he had been annoyed that Dean would even think of skipping parts just to make his job easier. As a struggling college kid, however, he wished sometimes that writing had shortcuts like that.

He hears someone call Sam’s name through the phone, and he realizes he tuned out what Sam had been saying, again.

“What was that, Sam?”

“I said that I’d ask Dean if he actually has read the book. My bet is on no, because he’s a jerk and doesn’t want to read through his own mistakes. I’ll text you when I get the answer, okay? I gotta go, because he just finished dinner and he gets grumpy when people don’t come running. It was great talking to you Cas.”

“Likewise, Sam. Take care.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cas pointedly does _not_ wait by his phone until he sees Sam’s name show up again. Immediately, his stomach drops. 3 words. “He said no.” Dean hasn’t read it. Dean hasn’t read _it_.

He texts Sam back immediately, “So he doesn’t _know_?” Sam’s face appears on his screen a moment later, and he answers the call.

“He said he hasn’t read it, Cas. He told me, and I quote, ‘I just _couldn’t_ read it all, Sammy.’ I asked if he knew about That One Part, and his only response was ‘What part?’ Dad and Mom exchanged glances, and he got annoyed because he didn’t know what was going on.”

“I can’t believe I thought he would have read it,” Cas is disappointed in both Dean for not reading it and himself for thinking that Dean would have. “I have believed that he knew this entire time, and when he showed no sign of…”

“I know Cas. I know.”

They’re back at the bakery early the next morning because freakin’ Cas had to storm off in the middle of filming yesterday. On the bright side, Garth had promised Dean a free coffee yesterday when they had to reschedule filming last-minute. He’s currently sitting inside the bakery at one of the first booths to the right, trying to enjoy his free coffee.

Dean is reminded of how much he misses Lawrence every time he’s back in town. He knows the town like he knows the back of his hand. Wait… he knows the town like he knows Baby. He remembers how long it takes to walk from his house to each of the schools: elementary, middle, and high school. He knows which roads have the most potholes and the routes to take to avoid them. He wanted to get away to a bigger place so badly after he graduated college and really started pursuing acting, but sometimes he misses the familiarity that comes with living in a smaller city.

He remembers meeting Garth on his first day of college. He remembers thinking Garth was weird but wanting to befriend him because there are always perks to having upperclassmen friends. Garth was a senior in college when Dean was just starting out. He’d figured out immediately that Dean was a freshman, and he offered him a free coffee. “Take it as my welcoming you to KU.”

By the time Cas had started working there, he was already a regular. He even took up shifts when Garth needed him, because Garth had been his first college friend. That’s why he thought it was so funny that Cas had hated him when they first met. Cas was technically the newbie, only there because Garth had recruited him through…

Actually, Dean doesn’t know how Cas got the job with Garth. All he knows is that Cas was - probably still is - a damned good baker, and Garth and his little coffee shop definitely prospered because of it.

“Hey Garth,” he decides to ask.

“What’s up Dean?”

“How did Cas ever get a job here? I mean, he’s a great baker, but your place was a coffee shop first, before it started selling more of a variety of baked goods. I remember you had coffee cake, little mini pies, cookies, and muffins when I first came in.”

“Honestly, I don’t remember,” Garth pauses to think a minute, his finger tapping his chin as he looks off in the distance. “I think I might’ve seen him ask one of the campus chefs a question, and that led to my meeting him.”

“Of course,” Dean smiles. “I can totally see Cas doing something like that.”

“What can you see me doing?” While Dean was talking to Garth, he’d failed to notice that the subject of their conversation had walked into the bakery. He plasters on a smile and pulls Garth into a side hug.

“Turn this loser’s coffee shop into a freakin’ bakery,” he tries to ruffle Garth’s hair, but Garth manages to free himself before his unkempt hair gets any messier.

“I was telling Dean about how you got the job at the shop in the first place.”

“You asked me if I was interested in cooking,” Cas says, no emotion in his voice. “I said no, but I also said that I liked to bake. Then you asked me if I wanted to help you out in your coffee shop, and I said that I appreciated the job offer, seeing as I was in need of a job. Thus, bringing us to right now.”

Cas turns to Dean and directly addresses him for the first time, “Oh, by the way, Dean, you are wanted in the makeup trailer.”

As he walks away, Dean hears Garth ask Cas, “Did you know he worked here too?” He looks back over his shoulder just in time to see Cas’s eyes widen, and he smiles to himself.

Cas seems a bit off today, and Dean’s willing to bet it had something to do with whatever he and Sammy were gossiping about last night. Sammy had asked him, out of nowhere, mind you, if he’d read Cas’s novel. _No thank you._ Dean doesn’t like to read romance novels, especially ones that are written about his own damn life. When he’d been asked about filming _The Michael to My James_ , he’d just said that he read his script.

“Did you read the script for the voiceovers that Cas is gonna do, Dean?” Curse nosy younger brothers. Dean had told Sam exactly where he could stick his prying nose, but Sam had just insulted Dean’s ability to creatively come up with a comeback.

Then was the whole discussion about _that part_ of the book. Dean hadn’t even known what the hell they were talking about, but now that he thinks about it, it’s probably the breakup chapter. Dean did skim - lightly - through the book, because he’s not so bad an actor that he doesn’t familiarize himself with the material, but he skipped that entire chapter. No use in reading all about your own failures and all that. He knew the story, so the script just provided his lines and actions.

When he gets to the makeup trailer, Meg looks up at him from where she’s working with one of the extras. “Whatcha doin’ here, hot shot?”

“Cas sent me here. He said I was wanted in makeup.”

“Clarence sent you?” Meg raises her eyebrows and smirks at Dean, “You were in here just 20 minutes ago. Wouldn’t that strike you as weird?”

“I wasn’t really sure, Meg,” Dean retorts, a bit grumpily. “Touch-ups or something? It could’ve been anything.”

“Oh hey there, Deano,” Gabe’s voice comes from the doorway of the trailer. “Meg doesn’t want you here. I sent Cassie to grab you, but I didn’t think he’d make something up.”

“Maybe Clarence thought Dean here would be a bit concerned if he knew you asked for him directly?” Meg pipes up, still smirking.

“Oh shut it Meg,” Dean interjects. “I’m not scared of Gabe.”

It’s Gabe’s turn to raise his brow at Dean. “So you’re not scared that I know you didn’t read the book?”

Dean curses to himself. Of course Cas would tell Gabe, just out of spite.

“Uh-”

“It’s okay Deano.” Gabe smiles, but there’s a hint of something else. “I figured.”

“So you don’t mind? I mean, because not for nothing, but...” Dean tries to say, but Gabe’s smile slides off his face, and he shuts up.

“Oh I never said I didn’t mind. I think it’s very unprofessional of you to not read the book that inspired the movie that you’re working on. Now in your case-”

“Unprofessional?” Dean interrupts. “On the day of the chemistry read - my _first_ audition - Cas told me what we both knew. That I would get the part, no matter who else auditioned.” Dean knows he’s being arrogant, but he knows that Gabe knows he wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to play Dean but Dean.

“Cas told me specifically that day that he was going to keep himself emotionally distant, and that he suggested I do the same. He told me to can it, Gabriel, but then he’s the one who walks out in the middle of filming? He’s being hypocritical, Gabe, and you’re calling _me_ unprofessional.”

I wasn’t finished, Dean,” Gabe states, and his voice is steel. “Now. In your case, and Cassie’s of course, I’m willing to look past little mishaps like this.”

“What does it matter?”

“Come with me, Dean.” Gabe turns and walks out of the trailer, forcing Dean to follow him. When they reach a spot that’s out of earshot of any cast member or crew member that could be walking around, Gabe faces Dean. The look that he gives Dean makes him flinch internally - and maybe a bit externally too.

“You’d better be happy that I’m giving you a job here, _bucko_ . If it were truly up to me, there would be some other sandy blond-haired, green-eyed movie star standing here in your place. But as a director, it’s important to know my actors. I know my brother, and I knew he would not have been able to act across from anyone but you. Your situation is precarious, Dean, because I knew only _you_ would be able to play this role.

“Now, for your not reading the book? I don’t really have much to say. I’d suggest reading it, because there are some elements to this story that if you don’t know them by the time we get to filming them, you’ll be in for a nasty surprise. As your director, I’m telling you that it’s important for you to know the material. As an old friend, I’m telling you that the surprise will hurt less coming from the book than finding out the night of the premiere,” Gabe pauses, and he glares at Dean. “But as Cassie’s older brother, I cannot believe that you’re here, standing across from him, completely unaware of what you _really_ put him through that night.”

“Don’t you dare say that I don’t know what I put him through, Gabriel Novak. _I was there_. I know exactly what I did.”

“No, Dean, you really don’t know. And you don’t get to talk to me like that, with that tone of arrogance and ignorance, until you _read_ what he wrote. I’m done discussing this with you.”

“Gabriel!”

“You’re on in ten.”

Dean’s seething. He knows what he did. He knows what mistake he made, and he doesn’t need some hoity-toity midget man coming to him and telling him what he did. He has to admit, though, that he can’t defend himself in arguments because he hadn’t read the damned book. He storms back towards the set and pointedly ignores the questioning glances - the knowing one that Meg shoots him from the door of the makeup trailer - directed at him by loitering crew members.

He spends the next nine minutes trying to calm himself, and he’s almost there by the time Gabe yells, “Action!”

Dean straightens himself up, plasters on a smile, and walks confidently into the coffee shop. He makes a point of dramatically perusing the cakes on display, before tossing his prop backpack onto the nearest table.

“Cake is stupid. Pie is where it’s at.”

Today though, Cas is on his A-game, and he responds fluidly and completely in character. “Would you mind not throwing your dirty backpack around, please?” Well, as in character as one can get, playing himself.

“Well, _James,_ ” Dean smiles at Cas. “It’s been a very long day, and I came in here looking for a slice of pie. There’s not a single pie in sight.”

Cas responds, “I apologize if I’ve inconvenienced you by not having pie prepared for your completely unexpected arrival.” Hell. Dean’ll be damned if he’s forgotten that Cas really _was_ a good actor back when they were in class together, before he turned all his focus to writing. They bantered well in class, which was what had prompted Dean to approach Cas in the first place. 

“I’ll have you know,” Cas continues, “this bakery isn’t run for your pleasure alone.”

“Pleasure?” Dean laughs. “Who even talks like that? Don’t get your fea- panties in a bunch.” _Shit._

Gabe calls cut with a knowing look at Dean because this time it’s Dean who has messed it up. They run the scene four more times before both Cas and Dean actually get the first few lines right. Dean is starting to understand why Cas stormed off yesterday.

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, blue eyes. I’m here all the time. I usually get pie, but for you I’ll make an exception. Are your danged cakes any good?” Dean silently breathes in relief. He said his lines through.

“Depends on what flavor you prefer, asshole.” Cas bites back, perfectly this time as well.

“I’m afraid we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot. James is it?

“You read my name tag, but yes. My name is James Shurley.”

“I’m Michael Smith, and I’m in your acting 101 class.”

Cas’s eyes widen in false acknowledgement, and his voice is softer, “I thought I recognized you.” He holds his hand out, and Dean shakes it.

“Yeah. That’s me. Would you want to grab dinner somewhere? You’re cute, and I’d like to make up for insulting your cakes with a date.” Dean makes his voice lilt at the end, and he sees Cas’s genuine reaction behind his acting face. As much as Cas would hate to admit it, Dean knows he knows Dean can read him almost like a book.

Dean knows both of them are overwhelmed by the familiarity that comes with the filming, but to Cas’s credit, his mask is on tight. Dean can only tell he’s been affected by it all through the slightest changes in his facial expressions.

“I’d love to, Michael.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dean’s not in the _exact_ same outfit he wore 10 years ago, but he’ll be damned if it doesn’t bring back memories. The dark green button down they gave him is almost identical to the one hanging in his closet. The black jeans are similarly colored but a different style. It doesn’t really matter, since most of the shots will be waist-up only anyway.

He looks in the mirror hanging on the side of the trailer, and he’s hit by a wave of nostalgia. He remembers rummaging through his closet and setting out at least five different outfits before their actual first date. Sammy had watched, laughing, from the right outside his door as Dean whirled around his room. Those were moments that Dean sometimes wished he lived on campus, not at home.

But for the Winchesters, the tuition for room hadn’t been something Dean or his parents wanted to pay. John had told him, in a tone that left room for no argument, that he could put up with the 25 minute commute to class, and he could put the money into savings for something else.

He’s been sitting in the makeup trailer for 15 minutes, getting last minute touch-ups before they start shooting.

They’ve gone back to the actual restaurant where their first real date was, and Dean has been avoiding the owner. He’s made himself busy by talking to the extras, fixing up his outfit, and even straight up turning around if he sees her. He just doesn’t feel up to dealing with her today. He can’t avoid her forever, but every time he’s back in Kansas and visits the Roadhouse, she seats him at the exact same table he and Cas first sat in. It’s cruel on her part, but he knows he deserves it, so he never asks to be moved. It doesn’t mean, however, that he can’t get annoyed every time she does it.

When Gabriel had asked if either Cas or Dean was still in contact with Ellen - knowing full well that she was in Dean’s Top Ten Most Recently Contacted Contacts - Dean had to call her about using the Roadhouse for shooting.

She must have railed on him for forty minutes straight. Forty minutes of “You have avoided me ‘n Ash at the Roadhouse for years” and “You just ought to man up and face your past, and that includes coming in to see us.”

Today, though, she smiles at the cast and offers free drinks to the crew and extras. She and the person playing her in the movie are on their way to becoming good friends. She’s been showing her some simple drink recipes, so that the acting is more realistic.

When Cas arrives, Dean finds that he can’t breathe. They dressed him un black jeans and a blue button down that made his eyes that much bluer. But what tops everything off is the fact that they found a _damned_ trench coat for Cas to wear.

Jo, just now returning from talking to Ash, comes up behind Dean and elbows him.

“He looks really good, doesn’t he?” She’s smirking, and Dean’s blushing like a teenager. She takes his wordlessness as confirmation, and shoves him again. Jo leaves him to go talk to her own double. Dean’s gotta give it to the casting director… Hannah did a really good job finding look alike actors and actresses based solely on description.

“Ten minutes, everyone,” Gabe announces. Dean makes his way out to the parking lot, where a copy ‘67 Chevy Impala is waiting. He and Cas get into the car, and a cameraman sits in the backseat to record their conversation.

“And, action!”

“So where are we going, Michael?” Cas asks.

“I may have remembered you saying that your favorite food is hamburgers,  
Dean says, shyly. “James, welcome to The Roadhouse. They’ve got the best damn burgers in the whole world, and that’s coming from a burger connoisseur.”

“Who would that be, Michael,” Cas asks, smiling, genuinely this time.

“Well yours truly of course.” Dean can’t help but smile back. This is a pleasant memory, and if he revels in recreating it? Oh sue him.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Cas almost growls, and if _that_ doesn’t bring back some less - or would that be more? - than pleasant memories.

Dean pulls into a parking spot, and puts a hand on Cas’s when he makes to get up. “I asked you out, so let me be chivalrous and shit.” There’s a shine in Cas’s eyes when he rolls them that lets Dean know he’s finding this very entertaining.

“My hero,” Cas says sarcastically.

“You’re hilarious, James. Just let me get your door,” Dean insists, and Cas just gestures towards the door in a “go ahead” manner.

They walk into the restaurant hand-in-hand, and Dean loves it. He gives Cas’s hand a squeeze, and Cas gives him a side-eyed glare. He grins, knowing that Cas would love to glare at him fully but can’t because of the cameras.

“Heya Michael. I see you’ve brought someone other than your brother with you this time,” Jo’s double taunts, and Dean shakes his head, smiling.

“Nice try, Lona. Where’s your mom?” At that moment, Ellen’s own double walks up.

“Alona! Don’t mess with Michael.”

“Awww mom. Why?”

Ellen’s double waggles her eyebrows, “He’s on a da-ate.” She and Jo’s double both start laughing, and Dean feigns embarrassment.

“Aww Samantha, stop. I’m just here to show a cute guy a good time. Could you not give me a hard time today?”

“I would,” Ellen’s double scoffs, “if you hadn’t been late to the garage the other day. Jim’s been complainin’ for days about your doe eyes.”

Cas looks sideways at Dean, a bashful smile on his face and amusement in his eyes, “Doe eyes, Michael?”

Jo’s double pipes up, “Yeah. Mikey here’s been telling us about your date for days.” She shrieks as Dean swats at her. “James this and James that.”

“Alona! Samantha, are you not gonna help me?” Dean looks helplessly to Ellen’s double, who laughs as she walks away.

He remembers this. He had mentioned something about a date at dinner the night he got Cas to say yes to him. Sam and Jo had both teased him mercilessly. When they’d arrived at the Roadhouse, Jo and Ellen had given him so much crap. The bit about him being late to the garage was true too. He had completely lost track of time, and Bobby was about to tear him a new one until he admitted he was going on a date.

Their characters in Cas’s book - Alona, Samantha, and Jim Beaver - are a direct reflection of the real deal - Jo, Ellen, and Bobby, - and Dean is surprised at how well the actors portray them. He feels like he’s back on his first date with Cas.

They make it through the date filming without many hiccups. He and Cas both manage to stay in character, and there’s only one time where Dean messes up.

When Cas first bites into his burger, he straight up _moans,_ and Dean chokes on the french fry he’s eating. He meets Cas’s eye, and yup. Cas did that on purpose, the fucker. It’s one thing to act, but sometimes there’s _too far._

Then Cas freakin _smiles_ at Dean when he says his next line, “These make me very happy.” And yeah, the script did say he was smiling, because Cas did smile on their first date, but still.

Dean coughs, and doesn’t stop coughing for at least a minute.

“Dean, are you okay?” Cas asks, smile gone. His face is slightly tilted and his eyes are squinting in fake concentration. The perfect picture of innocence. Dean’s heart aches when he sees the familiar expression.

“You’re a little shit, Cas. You know exactly what you’re doing. Let’s just try that again.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Dean,” Cas doesn’t quite smile again, but the corner of his mouth quirks up.

The rest of the “date” goes smoothly, and Dean can’t help but be miserable inside. Every time he looks at Cas, he gets a smile back, and every time, his heart breaks a little more. Cas _used_ to look at him like that. He used to smile at Dean’s stupid jokes.

At one point, Cas has ketchup on his cheek, and Dean impulsively reaches out to wipe it away. He doesn’t notice Cas freeze, but he _does_ hear a barely-there cough when he unknowingly sucks the ketchup off his own thumb. Since the camera’s rolling, he can’t help but meet Cas’s eyes and hope that Cas understands he didn’t mean to do it. At least not at first. He _definitely_ licked the ketchup on purpose.

Their conversation mimics the original one, but this time they talk about _James’s_ interest in writing, and _Michael’s_ interest in acting, not Cas’s and Dean’s.

“James,” Dean asks, “why are you in acting class if you want to be a writer?”

“I’ve always wanted to be an author, but sometimes I wondered what it’s like in front of the screen instead of behind it. I figured it would be a good experience: to play a character so my writing becomes more realistic. Also, it is my junior year. I’m taking mostly English or writing classes, and I wanted to do something different. What about you?”

“Oh no, you’re going to laugh at me.”

“I don’t think I will, Michael,” Cas smiles gently. Genuinely. _Damn._ There goes Dean’s heart for the millionth time tonight.

“When I was younger, I wanted to be a cowboy,” Dean replies, and Cas laughs. “I told you you were going to laugh.”

“To be honest, I was not expecting that.”

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up.”

“You’d make a great cowboy,” Cas’s smile lights up the whole room.


	4. Chapter 3

Cas is happy to be back in Kansas. Despite being born in Pontiac, Illinois, he spent most of his teen years in Kansas City. Staying in the city has been great for him. On his days off, he spends his time roaming around his old haunts. A few of his old high school and college friends are still in the area.

He’s walking around the city one day when he spots a familiar mop of black hair turn into a familiar bookstore. Inias. Cas can’t believe that he’s still in Kansas, and to run into him at the old bookstore he used to work at is an incredible coincidence. He’s been seeing old friendly faces everywhere, and the thought makes him smile.

He follows Inias into the bookstore. The owner, Cain, recognizes him and lets out a belly laugh.

“Well if it isn’t our Castiel, back home!” He gives Cas a hug, and Cas can see Inias freeze over the old man’s shoulder.

“Hello Cain. How are you doing?” Cas asks politely. He’s a bit overwhelmed, to be honest. It’s been so long since he’s stopped by First Brother’s Books.

“Better question is, how are you doing?” His first boyfriend, now old friend, walks up to him and envelops him in another hug.

“I’m doing fine. Being back has brought back so many memories, though. Not all of them are great, but the familiarity is nice.”

“You’re a hotshot best selling author now. What are you doing in our humble little city?” Inias asks.

“I’d hardly call Kansas City small, Inias, considering the size of the rest of the towns around here.”

“Whatever, Castiel,” Cain laughs. “Just answer the question. We’re all curious.”

“They’re turning my book into a movie,” Cas answers. Unlike most of the world, anyone who knew Cas and Dean personally knows that Cas’s novel is basically an autobiography.

“But you’re the author. I mean I get that the director-” Inias starts.

“Gabe’s directing it,” Cas provides, and the other men both look at him in surprise.

“Gabe’s directing it?” Inias laughs. “Well of course he’d drag you all the way back to Kansas to oversee everything then.”

Cas quietly corrects him, “He asked me to act in it.” His stomach drops in time with his friends’ smiles.

“Gabe asked you to  _ act. _ And you are…” Inias trails off.

“I’m playing James,” Cas says. The “I’m playing myself” goes unspoken between the three men.

“Damn, son,” Cain’s look is full of pity, and for once, Cas welcomes it.

“Yeah,” Cas sighs, “but that’s not the worse part.”

“Oh no, Cas,” says Inias. Cas is pretty sure he knows where they’re going with their questioning, but he’s grateful when Cain says asks the question out loud:

“Who’s playing Michael, Castiel?”

“You’ll never guess,” Cas says dejectedly.

Inias gasps, “No way!” at the same time Cain guesses, “Dean?”

Cas nods silently, and Cain hugs him again.

“Well shit, Cas,” Inias says, and yeah. Cas agrees.  _ Shit. _

“You know you can always come talk to us, boy,” Cain supplies, and Cas thanks him. “Especially now that you’re in town, you can come visit us more often. Plus, I’ve got your book sitting on a front shelf.”

Cain leads Cas to his “Bestsellers!” shelf, where his book sits propped up on top. There’s a little handwritten note taped underneath: Castiel Novak (the author) worked here!!!

There are four copies lying underneath the propped up copy. By the looks of it, the copies are brand new. The one propped up, however, shows the obvious signs of use.

When Cain notices Cas’s interest, he opens it. Cas realizes it’s the copy that Cain wanted him to sign, so that when he became famous, he could brag that he knew Cas when he was just a little college kid.

The note he left is there as well:  _ Dear Cain, thank you for all your support these past few years. I have grown so much as a writer with your help and the opportunities you provided me with through working here, and I could not have gotten to where I am now. It amazes me that this book is published already, and yes, I will visit if it ever sells to bigger crowds so that you can have your bragging moment. None of this would have been possible if you hadn’t let me slack on organizing books by their Dewey Decimals in favor of working on my writing. I appreciate you very much old man. -Castiel J. Novak _

“You did well, kid, except with the visiting part, but I’m willing to look past that,” Cain smiles softly at Cas. “Lotta kids come through and read through my copy. Most of them end up buying their own. A few, the more timid type, come up and ask me about you. Some ask about how you got through the troubles of juggling two jobs and college classes after they read your bio. Some want to know how you came up with such an amazing story. Some just want to know if I wrote to you on their behalf, would you answer. I’ve had more than a few come up to me, and tell me that because of your book, they were able to find in themselves the strength to come out to their parents.

Cain’s final comment makes Cas draw in a breath. He looks back at Cain, who answers his unspoken question.

“A lot of success stories, Castiel. One young boy, whose parents are the epitome of conservative midwest parents, came in to inform me he told his parents he was gay. You remember little Alfie, right?”

Cas gasps. “What happened?”

“His mom, Naomi, approached me less than a week later. She told me the entire story. How she and her husband hadn’t truly been supportive at first, but then Alfie had given her his purchased copy of the book. She told me it made her cry. She and her husband read it together, and when they finished it, they sat down with Alfie and had a long talk.”

Cas honestly can’t believe what he’s hearing. His shock must be written across his face, because Inias speaks up, “It’s true. Alfie must have known that you and I were friends. He told me that his father hugged him for the first time in years after reading that book.  _ Years, _ Cas. He asked that next time you come in town, if you could please find him and sign his copy of the book.”

So that’s what Cas spends the rest of his day doing. Alfie’s since gone to college, but he’s home for the summer. The kid smiles when he sees Inias, but his jaw drops when Inias introduces him to Cas. Cas can’t help but smile.

Alfie fires off question after question, and they stand in the doorway of his house talking for at least thirty minutes.

“Where’d you get the inspiration, Mr. Novak?”

“My own life,” Cas answers truthfully, and both Inias and Alfie look at him, shocked. He’s actually pretty surprised himself. He hadn’t expected to tell the kid the truth, but he figured he deserves to know. “Almost every word in that book is true. Only the names, some places, and a few phrases are different, but they had to be changed for anonymity.”

“So you’re… You’d be James, right?” Alfie asks, and Cas nods. He gets a hug for his honesty, and he’s reminded of why he wanted to turn his story into a book in the first place.

Cas originally just wanted the writing practice, but after a while, it became a habit to document all of the special moments in his and Dean’s relationship. When they broke up, he wanted to throw away the journal he’d kept, but then he realized the story could be of some use.

One, he could turn it into a drama, and if he published it, it could make him money. But also, Cas knew personally the struggles of coming to terms with his sexuality, and he wanted to provide something relatable for people like him and Dean. Alfie’s story was proof that his decision had been the right one. He’s filled with a sense of happiness at the realization that his book fulfilled what he wanted it to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aside from the occasional reprieve, Dean feels like he’s in hell when he’s filming. He’s reliving every single memory he’s spent years trying to push to the back of his head. And he’s doing it all on camera. And it’s  _ slow _ .

The man that Hannah found to play Crowley, his first agent, is just as short and smartass-y (yes he knows that’s not a word, thank you Sammy) as the real deal. Luckily, he doesn’t even come close to Crowley’s innate hatred for people, and he doesn’t have his need to make his charges’ lives as miserable as possible. Mark does an amazing job at playing Crowley’s on-screen character, Fergus, but in real life he’s much nicer than the man he portrays.

Dean still suffers from constant déjà vu. Well, he guesses that it isn’t technically déjà vu because he really  _ is _ going through the same events, but whatever. Today, as he sits with Mark at a nondescript table in your average office room, he can’t help but feel sick to his stomach.

Cas didn’t know much about Dean’s first big role, other than the name of the TV show and the name of his character in it, so the script is not exactly as Dean remembers the actual events.

Any scene involving him and Crowley (Fergus) were improvised by Charlie because of this. There’s only one thing that remains the same, though, and that’s the request. The request that basically signified the beginning of the end.

\---------------

_ Dean’s immediately on edge the minute Crowley pulls out the manila folder. When he sees what’s inside, he wants to hurl. _

_ “What the hell is this, Crowley?” he rummages through countless photos of young women. Some he recognizes as actresses, but there are many he doesn’t know. _

_ “Every rising actress this side of the pond, Squirrel,” the Brit explains, and Dean has never thought Crowley’s accent was more annoying than he does now. _

_ “Why do you have a fucking folder full of women, Crowley? That’s pretty creepy, even for you.” _

_ “They’re for you,” Crowley snickers. _

_ “What? Why would I need a folder full of women. I swear, Crowley,” Dean growls, “if you don’t give me a straight answer I’ll-” _

_ “They’re for you to choose from, of course. You need a Hollywood girlfriend,” and okay.  _ What?  _ Dean stands up in his chair, and he towers over Crowley, who remains sitting. The man just smirks up at him, and it sends Dean over the edge. _

_ “Why the fuck would I need a Hollywood girlfriend, Crowley? I’m in a relationship. Hell, you’ve already met Cas. You know, my boyfriend?” _

_ “Yeah… that’s not going to work, Squirrel,” Crowley’s snide comment is accompanied by a downright evil smile. When Dean takes an angry step towards him, he raises his hands, as if to placate a wild horse or some shit. It only serves to make Dean angrier still. _

_ “I don’t know if you know this, but you are a very attractive young man. Your acting also isn’t that bad,” Dean glares daggers at Crowley. “Obviously, seeing as you have  _ me _ as your agent. Right now you’re just a baby squirrel, but you have a lot of potential. And with your new part in this TV show, your popularity will skyrocket. But do you know what Hollywood would do if it found out you were gay?” _

_ “I’m bi-” Dean starts, but Crowley cuts him off. _

_ “Do you  _ know _ what the world of film does to gay men who look like you? With your eyes, freckles, lips? Your  _ ass _? Hollywood sexualizes the shit out of them, and you’ll end up in some indie pop gay film, playing a twink.” Dean doesn’t really know what to say. _

_ “Trust me, Dean. I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been around for a long while. As your agent, I don’t want your name dragged through a film that doesn’t truly broadcast your talent. I can take you to the top, Squirrel. And to do that, you need a pretty young lady hanging off your arm. Trust me. _

\---------------

Trusting Crowley was the worst decision Dean ever made. What’s funny, he thinks to himself, is that Pam said the exact same thing to him about taking the part in  _ The Michael to My James, _ but she argued the opposition of Crowley. While Crowley insisted that an independent film would ruin any possibility he had of becoming famous, Pam knew of the exposure he would get.

Whatever fame he thought he had, starring in blockbuster action films and Nicholas Sparks type romances, was shallow compared to what he would get from working on Cas’s movie. So he can run a few hundred yards. So he knows how to kiss a lady. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s what the world expects from someone who looks like him.

Twenty year old Dean Winchester would have accepted the publicity, no matter where he got it from. Twenty year old Dean Winchester was fine with being your average, All American, sandy blond, bright-eyed movie star. Stop the bad guys, shoot a gun or two, save the day. Kiss a skinny, blue eyed, blonde actress for the sake of a “good” movie.

A good movie. Something that would succeed in the box office. Something that everyone loves, like superheroes or true love.

Dean’s starred in his fair share of stereotypical movies. He had his run as Hawkeye in an Avengers TV series. He played a cowboy in a Western. He was the company boss love interest of a wide-eyed country girl in a Hallmark-style romance.

Now that he looks back on everything he’s done, he realizes that he remembers his first stint as a side character better than anything. Why? Because the story was more meaningful to him. He doesn’t even remember the show’s name, but he remembers his role in it. He played the main character’s cousin in just three episodes.  _ Three episodes. _ The main character was going through some hard times with his parents, and reached out to his cousin for advice.

He must have had 20 lines in total, over the span of three episodes, but he gave some really good advice over those 20 lines.

True to Crowley’s word, though, his fame did increase exponentially after the first headline. “Dean Winchester, rising star, seen with Lisa Braeden from Netflix’s new hit series,  _ Who You Are. _ ”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they film the meeting scene, Cas is nowhere to be found. Gabe says he hadn’t wanted to come in, because he wasn’t in any scenes that day.

“He’s probably at Cain’s, or hanging out with Inias.” Gabe is nonchalant about his answer, but something unpleasant curls in his gut when he hears Inias’s name. He and Cas had been broken up for at least a year when they met, but they always had inside jokes and memories that made Dean jealous.

Whenever Dean had brought it up, however, Cas simply kissed him and reassured him that Inis was just a friend.

The next day, when Cas is back on set, Dean searches really hard for an opportunity to bring it up casually.

“So, how was your day off, Cas?” Cas hadn’t been outright friendly with Dean, but he put up with the nickname instead of telling Dean off for it.

“If you want to ask me if I was hanging out with Inias, then you should have just done so.” Cas is obviously annoyed with Dean, but he doesn’t let it bleed into his voice.

“Well, were you?” Dean asks.

“As a matter of fact, I was,” Cas spits. “And I had an amazing time catching up with him and his family. His mom was always a lovely lady.”

“Well that’s great for you, Cas,” Dean can’t help but feel bitter, and he speaks without thinking. “Just go ahead and get all chummy with your-”

Cas goes off. “Dean Winchester.  _ You, _ of all people, have no right to assume anything. Inias was a good friend to me, even after we broke up, which was over five years ago. Throughout our relationship, Dean, I always assured you that Inias was, and would always remain, nothing more than a good friend. Did you know he was the one who inspired me to come out to my parents? He was unashamed of who he was, even at 17 when we were together, and I wanted that for myself. You should know how that feels.”

“Cas, that is not fair!” Dean cries.

“I know that your coming out is a tough topic, and I’m sorry. But you, Dean Winchester, are a never ending source of frustration, especially when you assume that there’s something going on. I’d rather not put up with you right now.” He turns and walks away, but stops a few feet away to say, “Oh, and Dean? Inias’s husband is a wonderful man. The both of them told me to say hi to you for them.”

To say filming was a bit awkward would be an understatement. Dean spent the day trying to apologize to Cas, but Cas continued to ignore him when they weren’t on camera. On camera was a whole ‘nother story.

“And what did you say to Fergus when he proposed the idea, Michael?” The open vulnerability on Cas’s face is identical to the expression he wore when they first had the discussion, and it takes Dean aback.

“I said yes, James,” Dean throws his hands up in the air. “What was I supposed to say? No?”

“Yes?! Exactly. You were supposed to say no, Michael. What else are you supposed to say when someone gives you a folder of women and says, ‘here, choose your girlfriend’ when you already have someone.” Dean thought Cas’s voice was soft, but now it is straight up pleading, and it sends waves of pain straight to Dean’s heart, “Me, Michael. You have me. What need do you have for some fake girlfriend?”

Twenty-eight year old Dean Winchester wants to gather Cas up in his arms, and reassure him that, no, he doesn’t need a fake girlfriend. But twenty year old Dean Winchester didn’t understand the pain that Cas felt in that moment.

Twenty year old Dean was snappier and colder when he responded, “Because I want to be successful.” Twenty-eight year old Dean realizes how stupid his younger self was when he thought he won this argument.

He can tell Cas is being affected by this as well, by the way he takes an extra minute to breathe before he responds, “Do you really think you need a girlfriend to be successful, D-” Cas coughs, and swallows. “Do you really think you’re not good enough on your own, Michael?”

Anyone watching will probably think Cas is acting really well, but Dean knows better. He sees the slight shake in Cas’s shoulders, and he knows that Gabe sees it too, but the director doesn’t make them stop. Dean understands why. This is Cas’s true emotions, under the cover of a character.

Dean jolts when he feels Cas’s hand on his arm, right where his tattoo is. His tattoo of Cas’s fucking handprint. Dumbly, he completely forget what his next line is, “What?”

Dean knows that Cas knows he has zoned out, but his weary sigh is a sign of his acting skill, “Michael. Michael. Michael. I said, you’re one of the most hardworking men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing,” he steps forward. Cas’s hand moves from his shoulder to cup the side of his face. “You don’t need a girlfriend to be successful.”

“But Fergus said-” Dean whispers, but he is cut off by Cas.

“Why does it matter what he says? I have faith in you. Your friends have faith in you. Your family has faith in you. You’re a very talented man, Michael. You don’t need some girl hanging off your arm to prove it.”

Cas leans in, but Dean stops him with, “I trust him, my love. He knows what he’s doing.”

Dean would have given anything to have Cas’s lips on his again, but that’s not how the story goes. Cas’s head falls onto his shoulder, and it stays there for a long minute.

Dean thinks he’s forgotten his line until he hears, “I do not trust that man, Michael. I know his motives are selfish, but if you want to believe him, then I trust  _ you _ to make the right decision. But please, whatever you do, don’t let this divide us. And don’t you forget, when you’re rich and famous, it’s not the actresses you pranced around with that got you there.”

And  _ God _ if it doesn’t hurt Dean to hear those words again. It sucks, because Cas had been right all along, but Dean hadn’t believed him then. Look where that got him. He lets his head fall onto Cas’s, and they stand there until they hear “cut!”


	5. Chapter 4

“The first time Michael told me he loved me was the first time I didn’t burn his morning toast,” Cas says into a microphone. He looks over and sees Gabe smile reassuringly. Since his novel had been written in the first-person, he had been asked to do voiceover narrations of some more personal portions of the movie.

“We had been living together for a little while, and while I knew he loved me through his actions, hearing the actual words was a bit of a different story,” Cas pauses, and takes a deep breath. He silently curses the sudden influx of memories, and takes another breath before continuing.

“I think he had just gotten home from a three-month stint in California, filming some part for some TV show that I don’t quite remember the name of. He came stumbling through the door at half past two in the morning, and he looked dead on his feet.”

\---------------

_ Dean had been keeping Cas updated all day. He had called him early that day, saying the weather app said it was looking bleak and the sky was too cloudy for a proper sunrise. Throughout the late morning and early afternoon, Cas would receive a text every now and then that the 3:45 flight was to be pushed back yet  _ another  _ forty-five minutes. The one day Dean needed to fly was the day that whatever higher power existed decided to make it storm in the city of Los Angeles. _

_ This was only the third time Dean had been away for over a month, and Cas was already tired of missing his boyfriend. He’d been pacing around his apartment the entire morning. He rearranged the books and pens and pencils in his office at least three times. After each call or text telling him, “They’ve pushed it back another 45 minutes” or whatever, he was simultaneously more and less relieved. Cas reminded himself that he’d rather they be cautious than fly out in the middle of a storm, but damn if he didn’t want Dean back in his arms. _

_ Castiel had taken the afternoon shift in hopes of being home when Dean got home, and Cain had let him out early, saying, “Go home to your boy. You’ve been distracted all mornin.” Cas glances up at the clock. 7:46 PM. If only Cain knew about stupid Los Angeles weather. He’s now realizing that Dean wouldn’t have gotten home until 9 anyway. He wishes he was at work. Then he’d have something to keep his mind off. He turns his phone off and tries to get some work done. _

_ At around 8:15, he opens his phone to a voicemail that was received at exactly 7:59: “Hey babe. Have you stopped looking at that old clock in the kitchen every five minutes yet?” Cas laughs to himself when he hears Dean’s little chuckle at his own joke. _

_ “I’m guessing you have since your phone’s off. Sorry for the hold up. They just told us we’re boarding in 10. I’m turning my phone off now. I’ll text you when I land, and I’ll keep you updated from there. Uh… guess I’ll see you in six hours. Ish. I uh-- I wish you were here. Then I could squeeze the shit out of your hand at take-off and landing. An old lady just gave me the side eye for cursing... Anyway, I guess your company wouldn’t be too bad either. Miss ya Cas.” Dial tone. Cas curses at himself for turning his phone off and missing Dean’s one call. _

_ He makes himself a salad and some chicken, knowing that Dean will probably stop on the way home to grab something from a 24-hour fast food restaurant instead of waiting like he would have if his flight was earlier. He shoots a quick “Love you. I am sorry I missed your call. When you land,  _ please _ drive safe. I left you chicken in the fridge if you’re still hungry by the time you get home. _

_ Dinner is a lonely ordeal, and soon Cas is curled on the couch, watching some documentary. As much as he loves David Attenborough, the old man’s enthusiasm for the mating dance of blue-footed-boobies makes him feel lonelier for some reason. After three episodes of “Planet Earth,” it’s still only 11:37 and Dean’s probably still an hour and a half from landing, and the drive from the airport is yet another hour.  _

_ Cas switches over to Dr. Sexy. Four episodes later, Dr. Sexy and Dr. Piccolo are now arguing over something trivial, and it’s 1:22. He’s five minutes into the next episode and his phone rings. _

_ Castiel almost drops it in his rush to pick it up and answer it. “Dean,” he breathes into the receiver. _

_ “Cas!” Dean’s relieved voice sounds through the phone, and Cas is  _ so _ happy to hear his voice again. “Oh thank god you’re up. We landed about thirty minutes ago. Then of course I had to friggin sit there while they taxied us to the gate and then sit some more while entitled assholes rushed out of the plane. Ooh, I see my suitcase, just a sec.” _

_ He hears the rustling of what he assumes is Dean pushing through a crowd of people to get to the front of the crowd at the baggage claim carousel. Cas thinks he even hears Dean curse at someone, and it’s followed by a faint “Watch it  _ yourself _ , fucker.” _

_ “Okay Cas, I’m back. This asshole thought my bag was his, and it took me a minute to get it back. He was an asshole. Will you, uh- will you stay on the phone with me? Tell me how your day was.” _

_ “I had a shift with Cain, but then he let me go early to come home to see you.” _

_ Dean sucks in a breath, “Damn. I’m sorry about that Cas.” _

_ “You’re fine Dean. There’s nothing you can do about Los Angeles weather. I basically tried to get some writing done, and then I read for a little while. I made a salad, and  _ no _ it wasn’t just lettuce. I put the leftover chicken in the fridge for you.” _

_ “I know Cas. Thanks. I saw the text.” _

_ “Then I don’t have to tell you that,” he hears the telltale sound of Dean patting Baby before he slides into the driver’s seat, “you can’t speed home.” _

_ “Yeah, yeah. I won’t. Don’t worry.” _

_ “Your driving has never given me a reason not to worry, Dean.” _

_ “Geez, Angel. I’ll drive safe, okay?” _

_ “Good to hear. Dr. Sexy and Dr. Piccolo are in another argument, and I am very sure you wouldn’t want to miss it. Dr. Piccolo is mad at Dr. Sexy for flirting with one of the new nurse practitioners, and Dr. Sexy is mad at Dr. Piccolo for ditching him at the office party.” _

_ “Wait, Cas. Dr. Piccolo doesn’t go to the office party? Hold up, I thought you didn’t like watching Dr. Sexy without me.” _

_ “Oh. I might be a few episodes ahead of what I originally planned. I was watching BBC Earth, but I already know about blue-footed-boobies.” _

_ Dean laughs through the phone, “Damn. Of course you do. Well, I should probably let ya go, seeing as I’ll need 110% focus to get Baby safely out of this mess of an airport parking lot and myself home safe to you. Will you still be awake?” _

_ “Yes Dean. I can stay awake for another hour. I’ll see you then.” _

_ Cas does  _ not _ stay awake for another hour. He tries very hard, but he dozes off somewhere between Dr. Sexy asking Dr. Piccolo to talk and their make up scene. He falls asleep to the sloppy sound of TV kissing, and his last conscious thought is his wishing that Dean was there to sloppy TV kiss him too. _

_ And suddenly? He feels the slight press of lips to his forehead. It’s not the kiss he was dreaming about, but then his brain registers what’s going on, and he bolts upright. _

_ “Hey, sweetheart. I can see that you couldn’t stay awake.” _

_ Cas ignores Dean’s teasing and tugs him down. Dean lands on top of him, and their faces are only inches apart, so Cas gently kisses the tip of Dean’s nose. _

_ “I missed you Dean. I’m sorry I didn’t stay awake. Dr. Sexy and Dr. Piccolo make up though.” _

_ “Spoilers, Cas,” Dean laughs. “Spoilers.” _

_ “Deeeean,” Cas whines. _

_ “Missed ya too Angel.” _

_ They don’t make it back to the bed that night. Cas’s back is sore the next morning from falling asleep on the couch, but somehow he ended up sprawled on top of Dean. He doesn’t think that Dean’s back will be faring much better, what with the five hour plane ride and then sleeping on the couch. _

_ He slowly slides out from under the blanket, and luckily Dean only stirs a little bit. He opens his eyes, but Cas quickly shushes him and tells him to get some rest. _

\---------------

“I know what you’re thinking. Toast? I was pretty bad at cooking. I was okay at baking, but there were some things that just didn’t agree with me, and that toaster was definitely one of them. I wanted to give Michael a chance to rest after his flight, and maybe give his body a break from being smushed under mine on the couch. We must have only been 20 or 21, but trying to fit two people horizontally on that couch, especially two men our size. Not the smartest move.

“I had time to shower and brush my teeth and get dressed for the day before making us breakfast. And somewhere between the old frying pan and the demonic toaster I was able to make the two of us decent looking egg sandwiches.”

“Michael would have been dead to the world for at least another hour or two, but I knew he would wake up when he could smell breakfast. I could hear him stirring in the other room, and he started groaning before finally getting up off the couch. When he stretched,” Cas laughs, “his back cracked so many times that I was momentarily concerned.

\---------------

_ “Is that actual food I smell, sweetheart? Please tell me I did not wake up just to have to put out a fire.” _

_ “You don’t need to worry Dean. The toaster behaved today.” _

_ “I don’t know why you keep insisting that there’s something wrong with the toaster. It works perfectly fine.” Dean kisses Cas before he sits down to the plate across from him. _

_ “For you, maybe,” Cas can’t help but grumble. _

_ “Just eat your damn sandwich Cas,” Dean says, and takes a bite of his own. _

_ The  _ moan _ that comes from his lips as he tastes the first bite. “I think I love you, Cas.” _

_ Cas chokes on his own bite, completely taken aback by the three words that just escaped from Dean’s mouth. He recovers, and raises an eyebrow at his boyfriend, “You think?” _

_ “Yes Cas. I love you. I’m sorry I haven’t said it before.” _

_ “I was hoping that was how you felt. We  _ are  _ living together after all.” Cas can’t help but smirk, despite the butterflies currently swarming in his stomach. _

_ “God you’re such an asshole, you know that?” _

_ “But you love me, don’t you?” _

_ “Yes, Cas. I love you. I love you so much. I am sorry that I haven’t said it before. It’s some stupid hangup, but I’ve seen how it affects you. And now? I can say that I love you a million times and never tire of seeing your reaction. Yeah, I know you were trying to be subtle. But I could tell that you just  _ lit up  _ inside. That’s why I’m telling you I love you. _

_ “Because I know you. It’s like… you and me. We just fit. I know you ‘n you know me. We’re just Dean and Cas. You’re the Cas to my Dean. I’m the Dean to your Cas.” _

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I didn’t know you saw that. I was gonna tell you la-” Dean starts.

“Why the hell couldn’t have just told him no, Michael!” Cas cries, and  _ damn _ . Dean’s forgotten how  _ talented _ of an actor he was. Cas is staring up at Dean from across the little table, with teary eyes and a quivering lip. He was always so expressive when acting, and Dean’s heart skips a beat when he catches an actual tear coming down Cas’s face. He  _ remembers _ having this argument, and it only hurts less the second time around because it’s not real.  _ It’s not real. _

“God _ damn _ it James,” Dean jumps up out of his chair. “He promised me money. Money that we needed. You’re working two jobs on top of classes. I’m working at the garage, and this acting thing isn’t really getting me anywhere.”

“I’ve told you countless times, Michael,” Cas says in the voice he uses when he’s trying to reason with someone. “Acting is not an extremely lucrative career, and we both knew that when we moved in together.”

“You’re one to talk!” Dean yells. “Where has your writing gotten you?”

“That’s not fair. You know that I haven’t found a good enough subject to write about,” Cas argues. And  _ what a subject it was _ when he did find it, Dean thinks to himself. “Michael. Please understand that I’m not digging at your passion for acting. I would never do that to you, just as you shouldn’t make comments about my writing. I’m saying that we are both struggling, but we’re both working. I’m trying to tell you that I  _ understand. _ I know what it is like to want to pursue something unreliable. I want to be an  _ author, _ Michael. I  _ get _ it.”

“Then why are you mad at me for taking the money?”

“Because you shouldn’t go along with everything Fergus says! If he tells you to jump, are you going to say ‘how high’ or are you going to refuse to even move an inch? He’s been stringing you along with his plans for years, and I’m getting sick of it.

“He wanted me to promote a company, James,” Dean says, a resigned tone in his voice. “A well-known, well-endowed company. They paid me almost three months’ rent, just for a thirty-five second long ad. Three months.”

“Michael! You’ve spent hours ranting to me about the same company you just turned around and endorsed. ‘They’re known for supporting extremely conservative politicians, James’ or ‘The CEO of the company uses derogatory language against anyone who isn’t white, cis, or straight’ or ‘The company supports anti-LGBT movements.’”

“It… I… We needed the money, love. The bakery wasn’t doing well, I wasn’t working on a job, and rent was due. Plus, you seemed so happy before I told you where the money came from.”

“You said you were paid to be in a commercial. I wish you’d have told me for  _ what company _ before I had to see it on TV for myself. Did you know what I was doing today when I saw it? I was out with some friends I made at Pride last year. One of them asked me, ‘Hey, isn’t that your boyfriend? Doesn’t he know…’ and then she proceeded to list all of the facts about the company that you yourself have said.

“They paid well,” Dean pleads, “and we were going under, James. Fergus said-

“Oh shut up about him, for  _ once _ !” Cas all but yells, and Dean visibly flinches at the tone. “All I hear these days is Fergus this, and Fergus that. Enough of what Fergus says, Michael! I’m done hearing about what this man is telling you to do. It’s because of him that the world thinks you’re straight as a pole, and now, instead of advocating for your community, you’ve gone and endorsed the  _ peak _ everything-phobic company.”

“Why the hell does it matter what the world says about me?” Dean argues. “They can think what they want to. You and I know what’s real. We’re real. Whatever opinion they have is false.”

“It’s false because  _ you _ have let Fergus advertise you that way. Whatever reputation you have is all your doing. What do you think it’s like for me?  _ Constantly _ having to remind myself of your devotion.”

“Have I not shown you that I love you, James?”

“That’s just it. If you truly loved me, I wouldn’t have to see a new girl on your arm every week.  _ I  _ would be the one going to events with you. The headlines wouldn’t have named you Hollywood’s most eligible bachelor. Do you know what that’s like?” Cas cries, and there are tears in his eyes.

“What has it been, Michael?” Cas sighs, his tone heavy with weariness. “We’ve been together for three years? Four?” At Dean’s nod, he continues, “We’ve been together for almost four years, and it’s been two years since Fergus pulled you aside and told you that the whoever he chose to hang on you for a week would take you farther in your career than you yourself ever could. For  _ half of our relationship _ , the world has thought you single and straight. Do you not see the problem in that?”

Dean stays silent, like he did when they first had this argument.

Cas takes a deep breath, “I’m not going to take a jab at your sexuality, or what you choose to do about sharing it with the world. I just want to remind you that you were the proudest man I knew, but your agent doesn’t respect that part of you.”

“You don’t know Fergus,” Dean argues. “I’ve been working with the man since before we met, so you can’t say anything against him.” He thinks his younger self stupid. Twenty-two year old Dean sucked at arguing this point as much as twenty year old Dean did.

“Oh don’t use that against me, Michael. You could have been working with Fergus for a hundred years and he’d still not know you as well as I do. You of all people should know that sometimes quality is better than quantity. We’ve been together for almost four years. You’re going to tell you that those four years don’t measure up to the however many years you’ve been working with that stupid, stout man?”

Cas is up in his face right now, and Dean is having a hard time keeping his eyes locked on Cas’s.

“I don’t really know much about how all this publicity stuff works, Michael, but I’m tired of finding out about Fergus making all your decisions for you. We’re not behind on any of our bills, and just because our grocery budget is lower this month does not mean that you should say ‘Fuck it’ and endorse a company you hate.”

“Ca-” Cas pauses, eyes widening marginally at Dean’s slip up, but he recovers before Gabe can call cut, “Can’t you see? You’re an unpublished writer. I’m barely an actor. We don’t have any money.”

“I’ve told you before,” Cas’s voice is quieter now. Not quite as emotional. Like he’s trying to get someone to see reason. “I’m working 6 days at Cain’s and then taking up more shifts for Garth. You’re picking up shifts at Bobby’s.  _ Michael _ . We are making this work. When you’re as famous as Chris Evans and we’re living like the Kardashians? We’ll look back on this moment and we’ll be thankful that we had to struggle before we made it. Okay?”

“But making money is part of that struggle, dammit! Don’t tell me you’re fine just working. You haven’t touched your manuscript in a month and a half James! I want to give you more time to write. Like you said, you’ve been working basically every day.”

“Mike,” Cas says. “I’ve tried to reassure you that I don’t mind. You kno-”

“But I do,” Dean replies. “I do mind. You’ve been the breadwinner the entire time I’ve known you. I hate knowing that I can’t provide for you, for  _ us _ , just because of what I want to do.”

“Don’t you see?” Cas’s tone is creeping towards pleading. “Your decision to be in that ad will affect you more than you think. Think about how much shit they dig up about celebrities’ pasts?”

Whatever expression was on Dean’s face drops. He tries to channel whatever emotions he felt when Cas told him this the first time.

“When you’re a big name in the film industry,” Cas continues, “and you’re  _ out, _ people are going to pull up this ad. Doesn’t matter if 50 people or 500 people saw it. It is going to negatively affect you. It might not be that big of a deal, but someone is going to always associate your name with that company.”

When Dean moves to say something, Cas just glares at him, “And don’t you  _ dare _ say anything about  _ Fergus _ thinking this through and assuring you it was a good idea. Don’t say ‘James you’re blowing this out of proportion.’ Whatever happened to Michael and James, huh? The I-know-you’s and the I-trust-you’s and the I’ll-listen-to-you’s. This will come back to bite you in your pompous ass and all I’m going to say to you is ‘I told you so.’ Because you wouldn’t listen.”

Cas storms out of the makeshift kitchen, leaving Dean looking at his hands. Gabe calls cut.

Dean remembers this argument.

Cas had been sitting at the counter, apparently writing, when Dean got back from the garage. He’d been pleasantly surprised that Cas was free from work, but the minute he rounded the room and noticed the expression on his boyfriend’s face, his stomach dropped. Cas’s face was blank, but there was a look in his eyes that told Dean that he was very  _ carefully _ maintaining his expression. It told Dean that  _ he was in trouble. _

Then he had seen the video playing on Cas’s laptop screen. The ad.  _ Shit. _ He hadn’t told Cas about that. And apparently? He wasn’t going to have to.

Gabe’s call interrupts his thoughts, “Cassie! Dean-o! Come over here for just a sec.” Dean looks up and sees that Cas has reentered the room, and they go over to stand by Gabe. He and the cameraman are rewatching the film from the last scene. After a few minutes of watching and rewinding, Gabe turns to Cas and Dean.

“Watch this,” he directs. And so they do.

They review the full scene at least twice, and Dean can see his own shock and surprise mirrored on Cas’s face. They look  _ great _ together. Each pleading note in Cas’s voice is met head on with a spiteful note in Dean’s. Dean is willing to bet that this scene right here is enough to make Cas  _ admit _ that they have chemistry, as much as he’d loathe to say it aloud.

“That’s some damn good chemistry boys. If I didn’t know any better, I’d have thought you guys were together or somethin,” their cameraman comments, and Dean breaks eye contact with Cas. Gabe  _ himself _ coughs.

“Well, just wanted to show you two that. You’re doing well together. Now I know you don’t quite like each other yet, but please. If you got along outside of shooting, it would make the job so much easier.”

Surprisingly, it’s Cas who later asks Dean to go to lunch, “Gabe’s right. I don’t want to keep hating you Dean.”

“Geez Cas, way to make a man feel special.”

“ _ Dean. _ I want to be friends again. I don’t want to work with you and have you think I hate you. I don’t hate you. I just-” Cas trails off, unsure of how to continue.

“I get it Cas. The two of us have a bit of history that’s not easily forgotten. But I’m kinda glad that you asked. I wanna be your friend too.”

Cas’s answering smile leaves Dean breathless.

“Also, now Sammy can stop hating me because he thinks I’m being stubborn. Now I can rub it in his face.”

Cas rolls his eyes, and Dean smiles at him. Maybe the rest of this job won’t be too bad.


	6. Chapter 5

When Cas had asked Dean if they could be friends again, Dean was more than happy. Cas seemed happier too. Lighter. Like something had been lifted off his chest. Cas texted him now, keeping him updated about little things, like something stupid Gabriel did that night or a cute bee that he saw on the road near the trailers or the amazing hamburger he had for dinner.

What Dean doesn’t realize is that since the last time he’d texted Cas, which was 4 years ago, he hadn’t changed the contact name. When he gets the first text, it shows up as

Angel Eyes💙🔹: Hello Dean. This is Castiel. :)

The blue heart in itself throws Dean for a loop, but he smiles when he reads the message. Of course Cas still texts like that. 

Cas also lets Dean hang out with him more often outside of set. The two of them grab lunch with Sam one day. Sam and Cas greet each other like it’s not been years since they’ve talked, and when he brings it up, he’s surprised.

“Dean,” Cas states, “I have been in regular correspondence with Sam. We talk at least a few times a month.” He looks expectantly at Sam, “Did Dean not know we remained friends?”

Sam runs a hand through his shaggy hair and looks away, “Maybe not. I figured he’d get mad at me, so I didn’t tell him. What he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him, and all that.” He glances up at Dean, as if expecting him to start yelling.

Dean gets it though. He probably would have at least been annoyed with Sam. But he realizes now that Cas and Sam really had been good friends throughout their relationship, and it wouldn’t have been his place to tell them not to talk to each other.

“Nah, Sammy. Maybe at first, but I probably would have gotten over it. It woulda been bad of me to take that friendship away from you. Plus, it’s not like you shoulda paid for my mistake,” Cas coughs, “by giving up talking to Cas.”

When they finish eating, Cas promises that he’ll stop by more often.

“Mom and Dad would love to see you again, Cas,” Sam insists.

“Only if Dean’s okay with it.”

“They would probably kick me out and let you take my spot,” Dean replies, laughing.

\---------------

Mary Winchester hugs Cas for a straight five minutes.

John Winchester  _ does _ threaten to let Cas replace Dean.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cas finds it ironic that he and Dean are just now becoming friends again, right in time for them to shoot That Scene™.

Gabe interrupts Cas’s conversation with Charlie one day to pull him aside and make the big announcement.

“Hey Cassie. I’d like to introduce you to Ann,” he starts slowly, and Cas looks behind him and sees… that can’t be. Dark skin, perfect curls, and a nice smile. Gabe looks back at the actress, and then shakes Cas.

“Cassie. Cas. Castiel. Castiel Novak!” Cas shakes himself, and he finds that the woman standing in front of him is not, in fact, who he thinks it is. He breathes a sigh of relief. Gabe wouldn’t do that to him.

“Cas. This is Ann,” Gabe repeats himself. “She’s the actress who’s going to be playing the part of Megalyn, the, uh… mistress.” Right. The movie. Cas has to breathe again before he offers his hand to Ann.

“My apologies about that. It is very nice to meet you Ann. You look very much like what I pictured for the character. I know I will not be working with you directly, but I will say best of luck working with Dean. He’s a handful. He tends to fidget.”

Ann smiles softly and thanks him before Gabe directs her to the makeup trailer.

“We’re starting filming for the scandal scene tomorrow,” Gabe informs him before he leaves. “Just a reminder, okay?”

Cas nods, mute. He knew it was coming up. He has a copy of the film schedule. He had the date marked with a red pen. This is what Gabe had been warning him about, way back on one of the first days of shooting. That there were going to be certain scenes that would feel almost impossible to film. This would only be one of them. He reminds himself that tomorrow will most likely be even worse, if he survives today.

He looks back towards where Gabe and Ca- no, Ann - are standing right outside the makeup trailer. It seems they’ve run into Dean, who looks to Cas like a deer in headlights. He seems pretty shocked, but then his friendly smile returns and he offers his hand.

Charlie puts a hand on his shoulder, and the look in her eyes asks, “Are you okay?” Cas swallows the lump in his throat and nods silently. He will be.

Luckily, Charlie doesn’t push the matter, and she animatedly continues droning on about her upcoming trip, “I can’t believe that I’ve never taken you LARPing. You’d fit right in.”

Cas zones out, having completely lost his interest in the conversation. He’s now too nervous about tomorrow’s filming to pay much attention. He’d let the days slip by, and now he feels completely overwhelmed by the looming date; a mental picture of the calendar with the bright red circle on the date comes to the forefront of his mind. It doesn’t help.

Come the next morning, Cas has worked himself up to an almost panic-attack level of nervousness. It takes Gabe, Meg, and Charlie combined to get him calmed. Dean’s nowhere to be found, and Meg comments that she saw him getting dressed - or rather,  _ undressed _ \- for the scene.

“Clarence,” she says gently, “you’ll be fine. You’ve got two days of hard work, and then we’re on the home stretch. You owe Gabe two days of work, and then you get the weekend off.” When Gabe starts to protest, she shoots him a glare and he wisely shuts his mouth.

“Yeah sure, Meg. Just give my lead actor two days off,” he says jokingly. “She’s right tho, baby bro. You’ve got today and tomorrow. That’s it Cassie.”

Cas appreciates his brother and friends’ concern, but he can’t help but be annoyed at himself. It’s been four years since the breakup, and he’s since come to terms with what happened and is now friendly with all parties involved. Sure he had to publish a book about it to get off his chest, but whatever works.

He stands up and slowly makes his way past the crew and onto the actual set, towards the kitchen set up and his mark. Gabe announces that they’ve got ten minutes, and Dean walks shirtless out of the bedroom, followed by Ann in an oversized t-shirt. It looks to an outsider like he’s just running through actions with her, but it just about sends Cas down a spiral again.

He counts up to fifteen and then back down to one. Dean, being the person that he is, immediately takes notice of Cas’s impending heart attack and comes to put his arms around Cas’s shoulders, enveloping him in a hug. He stiffens for a moment when he feels the warmth of Dean, but he’s so wound up that he lets himself relax into the hug.

“Are you okay, Cas?” Dean’s voice is full of concern, and there’s a barely there brush of lips that tickles Cas’s ear. He shivers.

“I honestly feel a bit overwhelmed,” Cas admits when he’s released from the hug, and Dean nods understandingly.

“I get it. It’s going to be a rough few hours, but we’re almost done with all the hard parts.”

“I keep trying to convince myself of that,” Cas breathes.

“Yeah. Me too Cas. It’s a hell of a thing to think, but it gets us through, ya know?” Dean shrugs, and then brightens like he just remembered something, “Plus, Sammy called me yesterday. He told me to tell you good luck this morning. Something about you not answering your phone?”

“I was a bit of a nervous wreck last night, Dean.”

“Sammy probably would’ve complained about my hyperventilating if he wasn’t so concerned that you were going through the same thing. Oh, he wanted to ask-”

“Okay everyone, places,” Gabe’s voice erupts from through a megaphone, startling almost everyone in a fifty foot radius. “We’ve got a minute thirty.”

Dean just rolls his eyes, but then grins back at Cas, “I’ll tell you later, okay? You’ve got this. Remember, everything that is about to happen, it’s not  _ really _ real.”

Cas cringes at Dean’s word choice and shoots him a dirty look.  _ Everything _ was real.

“You know what I meant Cas,” and it’s a huge step that the two of them are even able to joke about it. “Whatever memories or thoughts or feelings threaten to overwhelm you are just that. Memories. Thoughts. Feelings. Whatever you feel is happening when we film this is  _ not _ happening, and I need you to hold onto that, okay? Channel everything into your acting today, Cas.”

“Deano, buddy,” Gabe interrupts, voice still magnified by the megaphone. “Thanks for giving Cas a pep talk, but I need you in your places.”

Dean gives Cas’s shoulder one last squeeze before he turns back towards the room. Cas watches his back as he walks away.

“And… Action!”

\---------------

_ When Dean wakes up, he immediately feels this sense of  _ wrong _. The body curled around his isn’t the right one. He doesn’t recognize the hands wrapped around his waist. They’re too thin… and soft. There’s a quiet sigh in his ear, and it’s too feminine. Cas doesn’t sigh like that. _

_ “Hey Cas?” he speaks into the silence, worry beginning to build in his gut. _

_ “You usually call me Cassie, but I can live with Cas.” That’s  _ definitely _ not Cas. _

_ Dean bolts upright and turns to look at the woman in his bead. He hears the familiar sounds of his boyfriend moving around the kitchen - the whir of a coffee maker, the pop of a toaster, and the “shit” that usually follows when Cas grabs the toast he inevitably burnt. _

_ Fuck. Cas. _

_ Dean all but runs out of the bedroom, only to find Cas sitting at the kitchen table, his face expressionless save for the redness around his puffy eyes. His hair’s an absolute disaster. It’s messier than usual, and that’s saying something, considering how messy it is on most days. The couch pillows are all disorganized, and spare blankets lie here and there, evidence of a rough night on the couch. Strewn around the floor of the sitting area are used tissues, which make Dean’s stomach plummet further. _

_ “I’ll be home by midnight, babe.” Cas speaks up, and his voice is hoarse. “Promise.” _

_ Dean shakes at the direct reference of the voicemail he’d left Cas last night. Cas, who, Dean now remembers, had told him early yesterday morning that he had a special dinner planned for their fourth anniversary. _

_ “Today’s your last day of filming, right?” Cas had asked as Dean was preparing to leave for the day. _

_ “Yeah,” Dean had replied. “We should be done around 5, and I think I’ll be home at 6:30? Maybe 7, but it depends on traffic.” _

_ “Well then tonight can be a joint celebration,” Cas states, smiling. “Your last day of filming a wonderful TV show and-” _

_ “Four years together, baby,” Dean finishes. “I don’t know how busy today will be, but I’ll call you as soon as possible.” _

_ Dean had called him at around 5:30 that night to inform his boyfriend that his director planned a last-minute dinner and night out to toast the show’s success and their last day of filming together. Cas hadn’t responded, and so he just left a voicemail. He promptly forgot about Cas’s plans while caught up in the celebrations. _

_ Cas, who had called Dean not five minutes after receiving the voicemail to apologize for not picking up the phone, as he’d been finishing up the pie he prepared just for Dean. Cas, who, in turn, had left a dejected message for Dean, saying that the meal he’d started could probably (no, maybe) be saved for the next night (spoiler, it couldn’t be saved). Cas, who’d wished Dean a good time at his company dinner. Cas, who now sits facing Dean with a blank expression on his face. _

_ Dean, who has nothing to say for himself. The proof of his night out silently walks out of their bedroom, wearing one of Dean’s shirts. Dean watches as Cas’s eyes move slowly from him to her. _

_ “You must be Cassie,” he says. _

\---------------

Dean stands quietly next to Ann in the makeshift kitchen, and Cas can’t breathe. Every moment on set, every day that he thought was bad, doesn’t even come close to comparing to what he feels right now.

“You must be Megalyn.”

_ “Nice to meet you. You must be the roommate,” Cassie had replied, completely innocent. _

“And you the costar?” Cas asks, and Ann confirms this with a nod. Dean looks tensely between the two.

Cas continues, “My boyfriend and I watch your show all the time. You’re truly a great actress. You do really well for yourself.”

“Boyfriend? I’ll have to meet him some time.”

_ “Oh, you haven’t? Well, Miss Cassie, meet my boyfriend, Dean.” Cassie had stared in bewilderment at Cas, before turning her gaze to Dean. “You were screaming his name last night.” _

“James,” Dean starts, but Cas cuts him off.

_ “I had a wonderful night planned, you know. Nice dinner. Some homemade dessert. But then  _ work _ ,” Cas looks pointedly at Cassie, “got in the way.” _

“I thought you were single, Michael. You openly flirted with me all the time? I just assumed…” Ann drifts off right as Cas directs his glare at Dean, as according to script.

Dean turns from Cas to Ann, “Megalyn, I never flirted with you. I’m sorry if you took it that way.”

_ Cas had stood up so abruptly that his chair fell back, and Dean and Cassie had both flinched. “Why the  _ hell _ are you apologizing to her, Dean?” _

_ “Cas, I-” _

“There’s no excuse, Michael. Any apology to either me or your fling,” Cas spits, “is void. You say you didn’t mean to flirt with Miss Megalyn here, but you ended up in bed anyway. When she leaves, you’ll say to me that it didn’t mean anything.”

“Megalyn, I think it might be time for you to-” Cas starts, and then Ann starts gathering her prop things.

“I’m truly sorry, James. If I’d have known, I would not have seen more into Michael’s flirting. It’s just that-”

_ “Yeah. He is attractive. I understand that. Makes you feel special when he winks at you, right Cassie?” She looks flustered and incredibly embarrassed, but she nods nonetheless. _

Cas continues, his voice ice, “He makes you feel good. He smiles at you like he means it. You begin to think you’re special.” At this, Dean acts like he’s going to protest, but nothing comes out. Ann blushes further, and at that Cas says, “I used to think so too.” An awkward silence falls, and Ann takes it as an opportunity to say a quick goodbye and leave. Dean wheels on Cas the minute the door shuts.

“ _ What the hell Cas? A good lay? Is that all I am?” Cas had felt almost completely blinded by anger, but he heard the barely-there defensiveness in Dean’s voice. _

_ “No, Dean. Is that all  _ I _ am?” he retorts. “Does our relationship mean so little to you that you can throw it away in a night. One night Dean. We were together for  _ four  _ years, to the day. There’s nothing you can say that can take back what you did, whether you claim it was a mistake or not. I don’t care if you were inebriated or not. You willingly got into bed with that woman, and I know you well enough that you would  _ never _ sleep with someone if you didn’t have their full consent. Or at least, I thought I knew you well enough. It seems I don’t know you at all.” _

_ “Cas-” Dean started. _

_ “Just let me speak, Dean,” Cas chokes out. “You have nothing to say to me.” _

_ Dean nods, the trail of tears on his face matching Cas’s. _

_ “There is beef in the fridge, and I left the pie on the stove. I wasn’t sure if it was going to go bad. It took me months to perfect the recipe, so I hope you enjoy it. I’m pretty sure you know where everything else is, since it’s your apartment too. I’ve got most of my stuff packed up last night, but I wasn’t able to grab anything from the room” - not ‘our’ room, ‘the’ room - “due to your...  _ activities _ , but I should be able to get out of your hair by noon.” _

_ Cas had managed to walk out of the door without a slip of his face, but the moment he was settled in his car, he broke down. He must have sat in his car for thirty minutes, sobbing, before he felt composed enough to drive himself to Gabe’s. Little did he know, Dean had watched him from the window of their apartment with a raging headache and an even worse heartache. _

\---------------

Dean leaves the set the minute Gabe calls “Cut!” and the director lets him go. He hurries past the cameras and crew members, calling out for Cas. He had seen him last when he walked out of the room, as instructed in the script. Gabe, thankfully, had graciously left out the part where Cas cries in a car for the better part of an hour. Dean thinks that it would have pushed both of them over the edge. This whole filming process has been completely overwhelming in the least.

He finds Cas in the makeup trailer, angrily wiping makeup off his tear-stained face while Meg watches, obviously torn between the need to help and the fear that Cas will get mad if she does. She meets Dean’s eye over the crying man in the seat by the vanity and shrugs helplessly. She does raise an eyebrow at the obvious blotchiness on Dean’s own face but says nothing. He knows, from years of experience of needing to cry on command, what types of exercises to do to calm himself down.

When Cas looks up and notices him standing there, he starts crying anew. Acting on impulse, Dean immediately kneels beside Cas and offers his arms for a hug, and surprisingly? Cas takes him up on his offer.

“I… I… I just could… I just couldn’t do… do… couldn’t do it, De,” Cas chokes out between sniffles.

Dean just about melts at Cas’s use of his nickname. Sammy, when he was a baby, had somehow managed to shorten his already shortass name to something shorter, and Cas loved to use it to mock Dean’s propensity for nicknames.

“I get it Cas,” Dean whispers, hand stroking Cas’s back gently. “It was hard standing there, across from you, with you looking like that. I can’t even imagine what it was like for you to be sitting there again.”

“The only thing keeping me seated was the difference in setting. I felt like I was  _ there _ , Dean,” Cas insists into Dean’s shoulder. “I tried… I tried so… so hard. To do the… the thing you told me.”

“I know you did, sweetheart,” Dean slips up and calls Cas by his old pet name, but neither Cas nor Meg seem to notice. At least, they’re gracious enough not to say anything if they did. It breaks his heart to see Cas like this. If Dean hadn’t watched him walk out all those years ago, he’d be comparing the then Cas to the now Cas. He would be wondering, if Cas is this broken up about it now, what was he like immediately after the breakup?

Cas’s voice pulls Dean out of his thoughts. “Yesterday, when… when Gabe brought Ann up to me, I thought she was  _ her _ . For a moment, I couldn’t speak. I felt…” Cas takes a few uneasy breaths, growing steadier each time. “Then I realized that Gabe wouldn’t do that to me. I felt a little better when I saw you react to her.”

“Ann does look a lot like Ca-” Dean starts to reason, but when Cas almost chokes, he quickly recovers, “her.” Even though it’s been years, he understands why Cas is so determined to avoid her name. There’s only a two letter difference between Cas and Cassie. Plus, Cassie is Gabe’s nickname for him, and, now that Dean thinks about it, it probably makes it worse.

“How about this, Cas,” Dean prods, slowly lifting Cas’s head to look him in the eye. His heart aches at the pain he sees there. Red overwhelms blue. “Do you have anything planned for tomorrow? I have the day off.”

Cas visibly pales, and Dean worries that he said something wrong.

“Have… Haven’t you checked the schedule Dean?” Dean shakes his head, and apparently that was the wrong answer.

Even Meg looks a bit disappointed, “Clarence here’s got some recordings to do tomorrow.” There’s an undertone in her voice that Dean picks up on but doesn’t quite understand. His face must be blank, betraying his lack of knowledge about what  _ tomorrow _ might be.

She frowns and then coughs. “Gabe is a terrible director, and he scheduled  _ some recordings _ for Cas the day after the scandal scene shoot.” When she sees that Dean is still confused, she scowls, “Whatever. Our poor unicorn has got a tough day ahead of him, so whatever you’d like to say go ahead and get it out. I gotta help him clear up those tear tracks anyway.”

Cas laughs a bit at Meg’s last statement.

“Well Cas,” Dean continues, bothered but confused by Meg’s tone, “Remember what I was saying earlier? Before Gabe so rudely interrupted us with his megaphone?”

“Yes,” Cas replies shakily. “It was about Sam, right?”

“Right, Dean confirms. “He told me he hadn’t seen you in a few weeks, and so he invited the two of us out for lunch tomorrow. Between 1 and 2, probably. Whaddya say, Cas?”

Cas exchanges a glance with Meg before speaking, “Uhhh. Yeah. I think that’ll work. I’m recording some voiceovers at around 10:50-11. I should definitely be done by 12:30, so we could meet up with Sam then.”

“Sweet,” Dean smiles, and a bit of weight is lifted off his chest. “I’ll let Sammy know.”

As he walks out of the trailer, he faintly hears Meg ask Cas a question, and he catches his name. He hears Cas’s voice reply with just a dejected “I guess not.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dean arrives at the studio at noon exactly the next day. He’s buzzing with excitement. He’s going to hang out with his two favorite people today,  _ and _ the worst day of filming is done and over with. He’s in a good mood all the way to the door to the recording room, and even Gabe’s glare at him when he enters can’t tamper it. Gabe gives him a questioning look, and he catches on to the somber mood of the room and drops the smile. There’s some bit of recognition in his eyes, and the edges of his mouth curl up into an acknowledging.

Cas huffs from behind the recording booth, and it catches the attention of the men in the corner.

Gabe gives Cas a reassuring smile, “Come on, Cassie. You’ve got this. It’s just a few lines.” He turns to Dean, “I’m surprised you’d want to be here for this.”

Internally, Dean has no idea what Gabe means, but he has enough common sense not to mention it out loud. “Cas is coming out to lunch with me ’n Sammy in thirty. I’m willing to be here to support him, though.”

“You’d be willing to listen to the proposal?” Gabe asks, and Dean’s mind screeches to a halt.

He remembers Gabe’s warning, back when they’d just started shooting:  _ “But as Cassie’s older brother, I cannot believe that you’re here, standing across from him, completely unaware of what you  _ really _ put him through that night.” _

Of course Dean had argued, but now he realizes that Gabe was so right. He wants to say something, but Cas has already started the recording, and Gabe just looks at him with a mixture of anger and pity.

“I hate that you had to find out this way, Dean. You should have listened,” Gabe whispers.

Shit.

\---------------

_ “Hey Cassie,” Gabe’s voice comes through the phone, and Cas winces at the volume. Even with the volume on a low setting, Gabe somehow manages to blow his eardrums out each and every time they talk on the phone. He puts the phone on speaker and sets it on the island. _

_ “What do you want, Gabe? I am very busy today.” _

_ “Am I hearing that right? My little brother’s finally got a life? Are you too busy to have lunch with little old me?” _

_ “Gabe…” _

_ “Alright, alright. I can eat lunch by myself. What’s got your panties in a bunch?” _

_ “Today is Dean’s and my fourth anniversary. I have something planned for tonight, but the meal prep might take a while. I promised him dinner, and I don’t want to mess it up.” _

_ “Oooh, Cassie. Am I hearing what I think I’m hearing? Is tonight  _ the night _?” _

_ “I really do hope so Gabe,” Cas sighs. “I have been talking with Sam for months about making Dean a stupid pie for tonight. Cakes, are, well… a piece of cake. But pies are something else. I don’t know how Mary does it.” _

_ Gabe’s voice is less condescending-older-brother and more proud-older-brother when he responds, “Castiel.” Gabe only uses his full name when he’s being serious about something, “I don’t know Dean nearly as well as you do, but I know that he will one  _ hundred _ percent appreciate anything you make him. If I may risk it little bro, I’m pretty sure he  _ does _ love you more than pie, and the prospect of being your husband better be more important to him than eating a stupid pie at dinner or he and I will have words.” _

_ “Gabe…” _

_ “No. Seriously Cassie. If he fusses about the pie, I might threaten to cast him in one of my movies. He wouldn’t last a day on set with me.” _

_ As much as Cas sometimes hates Gabe’s usual inability to be serious, he appreciates his brother’s lighthearted comments. The reassurance helps him breathe easier. He knows Dean loves him and that he is probably working himself up over nothing. _

_ A voice in the back of his head nags at him, coming up with the most creative ways in which tonight might go wrong. He pushes it down and tries to focus on the task at hand. The filling. God, cinnamon-sugar is sticky. Apples covered in cinnamon-sugar are even stickier. _

_ A faint goodbye sounds from his phone, but Cas just grunts in response and goes back to the preparation. He can’t wait to see the look on Dean’s face when he eats the pie. He’s made them enough that he knows what he’s doing, but he is still hopeful that Dean will eventually compromise once in a while about their dessert options. But that’s if tonight works out so for now? He’s got a pie to not fuck up. Tonight  _ will not  _ go well if he messes up the pie. _

_ He’s feeling pretty confident about his meal that he’s prepared. He knows that Dean will say yes, but some part of him just refuses to sit quiet. It keeps reminding him that this could all go wrong. _

_ When his phone rings and Dean’s name is on the screen, Castiel panics for a moment before picking up the phone. _

_ “Hello Dean. What’s up?” _

_ “Uh, Cas. Something came up,” Dean pauses, and Cas’s stomach drops. _

_ When Dean takes in Cas’s lack of response, he hurries to add, “Oh no! Nothing bad’s happened. We just wrapped up filming and Zach wants us all to go out for drinks.” _

_ What Dean doesn’t know is that his reassurance doesn’t have the planned affect on Cas that he’d thought it would have. Instead of feeling better, Cas feels one hundred times worse. _

_ “You knew something would come up,” his brain helpfully supplies. _

_ “Shut up,” he thinks back. _

_ What he says in response to Dean is just, “Oh.” _

_ “Aw c’mon babe,” Dean whines, playfully. “We finished filming! Of course we need to go out to celebrate.” _

_ Cas can  _ feel _ how excited he is through the phone, and he hates to ‘burst Dean’s bubble’ but he has plans, “Dean. What about dinner?” _

_ There’s a quiet “Oh.  _ Shit. _ ” through the phone. _

_ “Oh my g- Cas I’m so sorry. I already agreed to go out.” _

_ “But Dean. I told you this morning that we were going to celebrate our anniversary tonight. I made dinner. We were going to celebrate your last day of filming too.” And more softly, “I got new flowers for the vase in the kitchen.” _

_ “Oh Cas, sweetheart. I’m so, so sorry. Dinner’ll hold, right?” Dean asks, and Cas is about to tell him that ‘No, dinner will  _ not _ hold’ but Dean continues too quickly for Cas to even get a word in, “It’s just a few drinks, babe. I’ll be home by midnight.” _

_ “ _ Midnight _?!” Cas squeaks. _

_ “Maybe dinner too. But I won’t be out later than midnight. I promise.” _

_ “Dean-” Cas starts, but then he hears a dial tone. _

\---------------

“That might have been the longest night of my life,” Cas continues into the microphone after he finishes retelling the phone call.

“I remember carefully cleaning everything up. The vegetables,” Cas huffs out a laugh. “Those damned vegetables probably shouldn’t be considered vegetables with the amount of crap I put on them so Michael would eat them. The tupperware container must have had at least an inch of oil at the bottom. The steak hadn’t even been cut up before it went back into the fridge. Ironically enough, the pie was just about ready by the time I’d had everything else cleaned up.

“I remember-” Cas has to take a deep breath. “I remember taking it out of the oven and looking at the trashcan. It was very tempting in the moment to just throw all my work away. Then I reminded myself that we could just celebrate the next day and that Michael would eat the pie even if it was a day old. After all, it was  _ pie. _ I left it to sit on the stove. And then I put the ring box back in my drawer.”

Dean knew what Cas’s monologue was about, but that doesn’t stop him from completely losing his breath at the mention of a ring. On the other side of the glass, he can see Cas isn’t faring much better, recalling the story. There are tears brimming around the other man’s eyes, and Dean watches as one falls before Cas can continue.

“I remember thinking what- what use is an engagement ring if there’s no one to ask, right? There was this stupid voice in my head that insisted that the night was ruined. I kept remindi- I kept-” Cas stops. Takes a few breaths. Looks up and meets Dean’s eyes. And for some reason? The eye contact prompts him to keep going.

“I kept reminding myself that it was just bad planning. That it was perfectly reasonable that his director asked them out that night. That I shouldn’t deprive the man I love a night of celebrations with the people who worked with him to help him succeed.”

“A more selfish part of me, the part I should have listened to, tried to convince me that I should have called him back and insisted that I was more important. That  _ I, _ as his significant other, came before coworkers. But of course I didn’t listen. I wish now that I had.”

Cas lifts his eyes once more to meet Dean’s as he says this, “I know now that my life would be very different if I had.”

Dean looks to Gabe for  _ something, _ but Gabe is completely focused on his little brother. He’s in protective-big-brother mode, and Dean hates that he’s the reason.

“Instead I waited. I just cleaned up our supposed-to-be-engagement dinner and I waited. I tried to get some work done. I watched some TV. I even tried to take a bit of a nap. The hours passed by so slowly. Come 11:30, I was practically vibrating in my spot on the couch. I put some music on, and simply sat there.

“Midnight passed. No sign of him. Then it was 12:30. Then it was one. Then it was 1:30. It was four minutes ‘til 2 in the morning that I heard thumping outside the door. When I heard the door open, I was up off the couch in record time, hoping to catch Michael in case he was drunk, or so exhausted that he couldn’t stand straight.

“My mind had been so simultaneously filled with relief and concern that I pushed away all the memories of the day. I didn’t register the sounds of  _ two _ voices breathing until I saw the shadow in my doorway split. Just for a second, before the first shadow pulled the second one back in.

“I remember standing, and then I remember falling back against my couch as my brain struggled to comprehend what I was seeing. I remember- I couldn’t breathe.”

Dean slams the door behind him as he walks out, so he doesn’t see Cas look up at Gabe, and he doesn’t see the older man sadly shake his head back.

Sam answers on the second dial, “Are you guys still co-”

“Cas was going to  _ propose _ to me?”

“You didn’t know?” Sam’s voice is accusing. “We told you to read the book, Dean.  _ Everyone _ told you to.”

“Cas was- Cas was going to- he was going to propose to- to me?” Dean hiccups.

“You didn’t know,” Sam replies, softly this time. Pityingly.

“I didn’t know, Sammy. I didn’t know.”

“Dean,” Sam sighs. “I wish you’d listened to us. We hinted so many times to you that there were some important scenes that you might have missed.”

“I didn’t know. God _ damn _ it. I was such an idiot.”

“Yes you were Dean.”

“Hey!”

“Do you want me to say you weren’t? With what you put Cas through, I’m surprised he’s forgiven you. God, I’m surprised that Gabe’s forgiven you. I’m pretty sure Gabe only likes you because he’s finally admitted to himself that the two of you were so much better together.”

“Aww, thanks Sammy,” Dean says sarcastically.

“You were the Dean to his Cas, weren’t you?” Sam laughs, and Dean rolls his eyes. Of course Sam would make fun of him for that now.

“Bitch.”

“Jerk. Hey, are you guys still coming to lunch?”

“I’ll have to ask Cas. I’ll text you later.”

When Dean walks back into the room, Cas has finished recording, but his face is still blotchy. Gabe’s arms are around him. The two of them look at him when he walks back in, Gabe in anger and Cas in... understanding?

Gabe makes to say something, but Cas puts an arm in front of him.

“Uh… Sam wanted to know if you still wanted lunch.”

“You didn’t know,” Cas’s voice is scratchy and about three octaves deeper than normal.

“I didn’t,” Dean admits.

“I  _ told _ you-” Gabe starts, but Cas cuts him off again.

“I figured. That was a pretty obvious reaction you had. Well, now you do know. I hope it doesn’t change our friendship or the way you act around me.”

“God, Cas. How could you- how can you even stand to be around me?”

“I’ve mostly made my peace with it. I mean, yeah it still hurts like hell to think about it, but the sting isn’t as bad as it once was. Tell Sam that yes, I’m still open to meet him for lunch.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After it’s been acknowledged that Dean is an idiot and didn’t listen to anyone despite them having his best interests at heart (yes, thank you Sammy), production actually somehow becomes easier. Cas finally lets himself go around Dean. He knew that Dean was completely clueless, and while it was a bit weird letting the information out like that, it was relieving to have it out.

Dean, now that he knows, is a bit more cautious around Cas, but that’s to be expected. It’s not every day your coworker/ex-boyfriend reveals that he was  _ this close _ to being your almost-maybe-fiancé-possibly-husband too.

Before he was officially Dean’s boyfriend, Cas had only known Dean for about three months. But that’s kinda how it is now. They’re friends. Cas is comfortable texting Dean and asking him questions about the sky, the script, and everything in between. Sam, not Dean (although Dean will insist that he asked first), invites Cas to tag along to family dinner every other Sunday now.

Cas texted Mary and asked if there was an extra spot at the Winchester table, and her answer was a resounding “Yes!”

Cas thinks that Mary hugged him for a solid six minutes the first time he showed up at the familiar doorstep.

John almost crushes his ribcage, “Nice to have you back here, son.”

And honestly? It’s really nice to be back.

Dean made burgers (obviously), and Cas falls easily back into place with the Winchesters.

Mary and John both bombard him with questions about his writing. Is he going to publish any more books? How many ideas does he have? Is it weird filming a movie for a book he wrote? Is it weird reliving his own life (“I’ve already told you-” “Oh shut up, Dean. We didn’t ask you. We already know your opinions of the situation, and now we’re asking Cas”)?

He takes the questions in stride, and soon they’re talking about more mundane things, like how Gabe’s doing and how Becky’s doing and how John’s day at the shop went and what book Mary’s reading currently.

Cas is completely overwhelmed with how much he’s missed this. Missed this  _ family. _ He was so close to officially becoming part of it.

When Dean brings up the proposal, it’s quiet at the table for a moment before John slaps him on the head, “Yeah we all knew about it you dumbass.”

Mary, ever the mom, just simply says to Cas, “You’re a part of this family, whether Dean’s an idiot or not.”

John reminds Cas, for the thousandth time, that he’d willingly kick Dean out of his room and let Cas stay there.

Cas tells him that he might take him up on the offer yet. He doesn’t tell him it wouldn’t be the same without Dean in there with him.

All in all, it’s a good time.


	7. Chapter 6

Cas stands in front of a crowd of hundreds of the most well-known writers, producers, directors, and actors in the world today. Charlie stands next to him, and the grip she holds on him is becoming a serious threat to the blood circulation to his right hand.

As the applause dies down, Charlie clears her throat and speaks up into the microphone, “As you all know, the screenplay that we worked on stemmed almost completely from the novel that Castiel here wrote -  _ The Michael to My James. _ I can’t take credit for much, seeing as most of the lines you saw in the movie were taken verbatim from his book. I helped arrange it into a script suited for the screen, but that’s about it.” A collective chuckle rises from the audience.

“You downplay your part in this, Charlie,” Cas interrupts. He hadn’t planned on saying much. He had said yes to a joint acceptance of the Golden Globe for Best Screenplay - Drama if they won because Charlie asked him to. She was the main screenwriter. He was just the author.

“This movie came alive because of Charlie’s vision. She was able to take everything that had started out as thoughts” -  _ memories, _ he doesn’t say - “in my head and turn them into the movie that you all now know and love, hopefully. If my standing up here is anything to go by, I’d say you enjoyed it.” The audience chuckles politely, and Cas is relieved that they got his joke.

“This award is not mine to claim. It belongs to you,” he continues, turning towards Charlie. “I can’t thank you enough for the amazing opportunities we’ve had through the creation of this film.”

Charlie seems to be at a loss for words, which is unusual for the normally chatty woman. She simply beams at Cas and hugs him tight. He thinks he can see tears in her eyes when she pulls away.

When they return to their seats, everyone within a few feet of them gives Charlie their silent congratulations.

When the winner for Best Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama is announced, the lead of  _ The Michael to My James _ is, unfortunately, not named. Dean gets a few sympathetic looks from their castmates and other people nearby, but he doesn’t seem too disappointed. As the nominees, and later the winners, are called for Best Supporting Actor and Best Director, the cast and crew of  _ The Michael to My James _ celebrate another win. 

Cas, early on, had decided against putting his name in with the other supporting actors because he knew he could also receive joint recognition with Charlie for Best Screenplay. He’s proud of Gabriel, however, for winning the Best Director award. As a brother, he thinks that it is his job to be proud, but Gabe really is a genius director, and Cas probably would not have allowed any other director to take over the project like he let Gabe.

Cas notices that Dean does start fiddling as they start moving towards the more broad awards, like the Best Motion Picture awards. He’s confused, though, because Dean didn’t seem nearly as nervous for his own Best Actor award. He tries to get Dean’s attention, to tell him that it will be okay. Dean’s eyes stay focused on something in his lap, and Cas swears he sees a flash of a container of something when Dean checks the inside pocket of his blazer.

_How in the hell did Dean sneak something into the_ _Golden Globe Award ceremony,_ Cas wonders to himself. _More importantly,_ what _the hell did Dean sneak into the Golden Globe Award ceremony in his_ blazer pocket.

Cas is suddenly worried that whatever Dean snuck in is going to come back and bite  _ him _ in the ass. He’s pretty sure that you’re not allowed to sneak things into extravagant award ceremonies, and he’s sure that Dean is going to get away with it anyway. Normally, he would be annoyed at this thought, but since he and Dean have rekindled their friendship, it only serves to make him curious of the outcome.

When the announcer begins calling out the nominations for Best Motion Picture, Cas notices that Dean has still not stopped fidgeting. With each movie title called, he can see Dean’s leg moving, but he tenses the moment  _ The Michael to My James _ is called. Cas himself freezes for a split second, completely dazed by the fact that his book -  _ his book that  _ he _ wrote _ \- has made it this far. 

Sure, he was excited when he learned about all the possible nominations the movie would receive. Sure, he was a bit disbelieving while he and the main cast and production team sat down and discussed who would receive which awards the movie, if nominated, won. Sure, he would not deny that he himself was buzzing with nerves while writing speeches and choosing outfits for all the events that came with cowriting - technically writing because it was his book, but who’s counting - and starring in a chart-topping movie. 

A full two years after he published  _ The Michael to My James _ , he still wasn’t used to being recognized on the streets, and he was surprised every time someone called out his name in public. He was content with being an author; he could write internationally published stories, and most of the world would never even know what he looked like. Even months of press conferences, interviews, media speculations, and premieres hadn’t fully prepared him for the impact that this movie would make. He thought he knew fame when he published his story. He hadn’t realized how  _ far _ the movie industry would take it.

And now, sitting at the Golden Globe Awards ceremony, everything hits him all at once. Cas is overwhelmed by all of the feelings that are spinning around his mind right now. He’s made it. Despite having already published a best seller, he’s comforted by the fact that now people will be  _ forced _ to recognize him as the mind behind it all. That all of those years of arguing with his family, with friends, with  _ Dean _ , defending his choice of career, would not be for nothing. That people who watch his movie will also be exposed to his writing.

As much as he hated Gabriel originally for bringing Dean onto the project, Cas can’t imagine the movie being done without him. How ironic that the thing that brought them back together was the story of what tore them apart. He thinks now that it would have been terrible making this movie with anyone  _ but _ Dean. Only Dean could have played himself so well.

Cas makes eye contact with the actor when the announcer says, “And the winner for Best Motion Picture - Drama is…” Dean’s gaze drifts up from his lap to meet his, the nerves evident in his eyes, and Cas gives him the most reassuring smile that he can. Dean’s returning smile makes Cas melt a little bit inside. 

It’s a face that Cas recognizes, remembers. It’s the same expression he wore when they got to the door of their first apartment together. It’s the one he wore after their first argument. It’s Dean’s “I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but I’m not nervous because we’ll face it together” face.

“ _ The Michael to My James. _ ” A roar of applause erupts in the room, and the sound is almost deafening to Cas. “A huge congratulations and thank you to writers Castiel Novak and Charlene Bradbury, producer Lukas Milton, director Gabriel Novak, actor Dean Winchester, and the remaining cast and crew for the production of this amazing movie.”

Somehow, in the five seconds between the announcement and now, Dean has found his way across five seats and into Cas’s space. Cas isn’t surprised when Dean wraps his arms around him, and he only hesitates a second before returning the hug. He is surprised when Dean’s lip brushes past his ear, and a soft, “Congrats Cas. You deserve this the most,” sounds in his ear. 

The grip around him tightens before letting go. Aloud, Dean tells him, “Let’s go receive that award.” Dean grabs his arm, along with Charlie’s, and drags them towards the stage amidst the sound of clapping and whistling and cheering.

When they finally get to the stage, Cas has to blink a few times because of the brightness of the stage lights, despite having just been up there with Charlie no more than thirty-five minutes ago. He looks over at Gabe, Charlie, and Dean, and, despite everything that has happened since then, he is so thankful that he sat down and recorded his and Dean’s first meeting, all those years ago.

Since a last-minute family emergency pulled Lukas away from the awards ceremony, Gabe’s the first to step up to the mic, and he starts with a quick word on Lukas’s behalf before starting his own speech. “When Cassie here told me, when he was just 10 years old, that he wanted to be an author, I probably laughed.”

“You did laugh at me, Gabe,” Cas retorts, just loud enough for his words to be caught by the microphone. There are polite chuckles scattered across the audience.

“Touché. I wanted to be a director, so I guess I shouldn’t say anything…” more laughs from the audience. “But that’s no matter. Cassie, look where you are now,” Gabe directly addresses Cas before turning to face the crowd again. “Almost twenty years later, here we both are. Standing in front of the world.

“When Cassie approached me with the manuscript for his first novel, I trusted that the world would love what he had written, even before I read it. I hadn’t known that what he wrote would hit so close to home,” Gabe glances between Cas and Dean, and Cas notices Dean’s smile drop for a moment.

“When I read it through for the first time, I cried. I told him that it would absolutely be successful, and that  _ no _ I wasn’t just saying that because my baby bro wrote it. Cas wrote something great, and I was excited for the world to read it. Years later, there was talk among us famous director folk,” some more good-natured laughter from the audience, “about some promising books that had the potential to do really well at the box office.  _ The Michael to My James _ was a title I heard tossed around a lot. I immediately reached out to Cas about turning his book into a movie. He agreed without much argument, but it took a good month of daily calls and texts asking him to play his own main character” - himself - “for him to give in.”

“Next, I reached out to Mr. Deano hot-shot Winchester here. Many of you know him from some of his more famous roles, but I’ve known him since before he was cute,” Dean glares at Gabe, who laughs. “He’s an old family friend, and I figured he’d fit Michael’s part  _ perfectly, _ so I had my people reach out to his people, and then we had our two main characters. It was so great being able to work with Dean and Cas, and their talent and chemistry made for one of my favorite movies that I’ve ever worked on.”

Gabe’s speech is nothing like what he’d told Cas it would be, so Cas is left speechless and little teary-eyed. He only manages a quiet cough before it’s Charlie’s turn at the mic.

“As I said before, it was a pleasure collaborating with Cas to turn his novel into an award-winning script. Everything you see in the movie - the development of the settings, the banter between his characters, and the roller coaster of emotions that comes with watching, or reading, the story - is his. My job consisted of taking his work and rearranging some of the words. What I didn’t tell Cas, though, is that his book will be one of my favorites. It portrayed, really well, the struggles of beginning a career in the ever changing world of creators.

“As someone who is a part of, and a strong advocate for, the LGBTQ+ community, the hardships that come with accepting who you are, on top of the already difficult process of trying to make a name for yourself, are overwhelming to the point of unbearable,” Charlie spares a look at Dean, here, and Cas can see that he has tears in his eyes as well. “Cas’s story felt personal for the thousands of people who read the book, and the thousands more who watched the movie. I want to thank him and Dean for bringing such an amazing tale to life.”

Charlie hugs both men, one of whom is crying openly now, and it’s not Cas. Cas gives Dean’s shoulder a quick squeeze before stepping up to the microphone.

“When I first started  _ The Michael to My James, _ I really wasn’t expecting this outcome. I expected my book to be one of those that sits on the bookshelves in the backs of libraries, if it even made it  _ that _ far. I never thought that I’d end up a best selling author and then star in the movie adaptation. Gabe thankfully left out the part where I stared at him for at least two minutes when he approached me about making a mov-”

“He looked at me like I had two heads or something,” Gabe interrupts, and Cas gives him a friendly push.

“Okay, Gabe. All I really want to say,” Cas continues, “is thank you. Thank you to the readers who read my story and reacted so wonderfully. Thank you to the people who sent me messages on every single social media that I have-”

“He’s only got Instagram and Twitter, folks,” Dean breaks in this time, and he receives a glare to which he responds with a grin.

“Thank you to the people who sent me encouraging messages about my book. I appreciate every single person who made this possible, from the publisher all the way to the cast and crew. I think I might end there, before I’m so rudely interrupted again.” Cas nods his head a bit awkwardly before stepping back to let Dean finish off their speech.

“About time,” Dean starts off with a joke, and there’s a scattering of laughter in the audience. Cas rolls his eyes, a bit perturbed at the interruption but mostly relieved to have been spared from speaking any more. “I’m just kidding around. There’s not much I could say that could top what these three have said, so I’m going to go a little off-script here.

“So have you all noticed how we’ve continually said that this was Cas’s story? We’ve been saying story instead of book, because for some of the people involved in the creation of this movie, it is more than just a book.”

Dean takes a breath, and suddenly it’s like Cas has lost his. He looks over to Cas, where he can see blue eyes wide and unfocused. There’s a slight shake in his shoulders, and he aches to pull Cas into his arms and never let him go.

“As Charlie said, the struggle of trying to make your name known while you don’t even know yourself is unbearable. I can definitely attest to that. Cas’s story seems so real because it  _ is _ real. Everything that you saw in this story, from the coffee-shop meeting to the botched proposal, he drew from his own personal experiences.”

Dean reaches his hand out to Cas and, when their hands interlock, gives him a reassuring squeeze before letting go. His shaking seems to stop, and he stares down at his hand with a look akin to wonder. There’s a collective gasp from the crowd as people begin to realize exactly what Dean’s hinting at. 

“I first saw Cas in acting class. He was a junior, I was a freshman, and I thought he was adorable. He also made for a pretty cute barista, what with aspirations of becoming a world famous writer and all.”  _ Wait for it.  _ “And the man who walked into his bakery that day, insulting his cake,” Dean pulls out a small plastic container holding a piece of cake from his blazer pocket, “was me.”  _ There it is. _

Cas’s hands fly up to cover his mouth in surprise, and tears are running freely down his face. Dean notices his eyes flick towards Gabe and Charlie, who are standing closer to the side of the stage now. Earlier he told them he was going to go off-script, and when he, at their questioning expressions, explained what he was going to say, Gabe had clapped him on the back and Charlie had immediately given him a hug. The both of them stand beaming at him and Cas, and it gives him the bit of courage he needs.

He now turns away from the mic and towards Cas. With one hand, he presses the small container into Cas’s chest, forcing him to hold it. With the other, he swipes a thumb across Cas’s cheek, wiping away the tears there. He turns back to the mic, this time pulling Cas to stand right next to him.

“Cas, I’m pretty sure I’ve been completely gone on you since the moment you first frowned at me,” Dean speaks, and the look on Cas’s face is disbelief. “I guess I hadn’t ever told you that, despite all the years we were together. I’ve always loved everything about you, Cas. I love your dedication. You spent so many hours hunched over at the kitchen counter, your desk, or even on the couch when you were concentrated. I love the passion you have for everything you do, and I’ve never seen anyone defend  _ anything _ as strongly as you defended your writing. Plus, combine that with the fact that you probably have a better vocabulary than a freakin’ dictionary, you could absolutely destroy anyone in an argument,” the crowd laughs, and Cas’s blush prompts Dean to continue.

“To say I was shocked when I got the email from my agent is an understatement. I had avoided reading your book, no offense, but you already knew that, since it was published. I knew exactly what was in it, and that was a topic I thought I’d ever be able to address again. But I knew that, despite everything I put you through, Gabe wanted me to prove myself to you again. What did he say? Something about being  _ perfect _ for the role.” Dean looks over at Gabe for confirmation, who nods with a smirk.

“I hadn’t known at first that you were gonna play yourself. When I walked into the room,” Dean draws a deep breath, “I almost cried. I saw you look at me, with that angry look in your eyes, and I wanted to give up. I thought you’d never talk to me again and that any attempt of even becoming your friend would be in vain. Then I came to figure out that we would be co-starring. And playing ourselves no less.

“But then filming started. I could tell you were trying your hardest to hate me, and it broke my heart. I knew I deserved it, but nonetheless… I wanted that companionship again. I was so happy when you were the one to ask me if we could be friends again. I think that’s what I missed most of all. Sure I missed all the romance,” Dean winks, and there’s scattered whistling from the audience, “and I missed your family, but I think I missed your friendship most of all. I missed having someone who I could talk to about anything.

“We were best friends before anything else, and you giving me your friendship back has given me another thing. I now have hope that I can redeem myself to you. And I would like to start,” Dean takes a breath, “with this piece of cake.” He takes both of Cas’s hands, which are holding the cake, in his own, and brings them to his chest.

Cas seems unaware of the silent crowd when he slowly looks down from Dean’s face to their joined hands. His eyes stay down for a minute more before he looks back up at Dean.

His voice is barely a whisper, and Dean has to strain to hear what comes out of his mouth, “Is that- What type of cake is that?”

“Your favorite, of course. Will you let me make it up to you, Angel?” Dean whispers back. Cas smiles softly and brings his forehead to rest against Dean’s.

“I would have thought you’d take me out to dinner first,” he murmurs, and Dean feels his heart melting. He takes the cake out of Cas’s hands and hugs him. Really allows himself to pull Cas in close with intentions of never letting him go.


	8. Epilogue - Five Years Later

Dean’s been pacing the kitchen for the entirety of the time it has taken the burgers to cook. He’d rather grill them - ya know, for the full  _ Dean Winchester’s burgers  _ experience - but he knows he’d probably set something on fire with his nerves.

Plus, somehow, he hasn’t yet gotten around to  _ actually _ getting himself a high quality grill. Dean strongly believes that grills are made for cookouts, which means lots of company and shit. Dean doesn’t have a set schedule, so he doesn’t quite know when to truly commit to inviting a bunch of people over just to cancel at the last minute. Maybe he can convince Cas to buy a grill with him for-

He’s getting ahead of himself. Cas is gonna be home any minute and the table isn’t even set yet. He bought a set of green-rimmed plates just for this occasion, because Cas’s favorite color is green. The look is complete with green party napkins that are just a  _ bit _ off from the plates, and so it’s driving him crazy, and there’s a voice in the back of his head telling him that Cas’ll notice the difference. Then he tells himself that Cas isn’t gonna care about the color of the napkin he uses once he tastes the burgers Dean made.

_ Shit!  _ The burgers. Dean rushes back to turn the oven off and pulls out a sizzling tray with six just-below-medium hamburgers on them. He places cheese slices on four of the six patties before sliding them back into the oven, now off. They’ll sit for a minute or two and finish cooking while the cheese melts so Dean can get the table finished.

Forks and knives (despite the meal being burgers)? Check. Napkins (because he knows he’s not the neatest eater and he doesn’t wanna get his shirt dirty, especially tonight)? Check. Plates? Can’t forget those. Dean looks in the fridge. Beer and cake. Not pie, cake. Check. Did Dean really hunt down Garth and have him give him the recipe for Cas’s favorite lavender honey cake? Uh,  _ duh. _

He cuts up two tomatoes and an onion and puts the veggie toppings on a little plate. The lettuce (God help the health freak that Cas has since become) gets its own platter. Ketchup, mayo, and mustard? On the table. 

The microwave beeps, and the smell of bacon fills the small kitchen. Dean realizes he could’ve cooked it in the oven along with the burgers, but oh well. The bacon gets its own plate too. He decides to grab the burgers now, before they become too well done. The cheese is the  _ perfect _ amount of gooey, but not too melted that it falls off the patties.

He places a bit of tinfoil over the burgers and the bacon so they stay warm while he cleans up the kitchen (luckily Dean likes to clean as he goes, and the mess is minimal) and waits for Cas to get home.

Dean thinks he’s too old to be on his knees, but he’ll make an exception just this once (That’s a lie. He actually makes exceptions to that rule a  _ lot _ more than he’d like to admit. After all, he’s only human). However, after being on his hands and knees to clean up a stubborn drop of bacon grease, he considers asking Cas when they’re both sitting down. The small velvet box sitting in his pocket isn’t even visible standing up, neither is it while he’s kneeling, so kneeling it is. Dean’s nothing if not classy.

There’s the telltale scuff of shoes on the mats outside the apartment door, and then the jangle of Cas’s key ring. Dean uncovers everything and leaves the kitchen to wash his hands. When he returns, Cas is standing frozen in the doorway, staring at the table set up.

“Surprise?” Dean shrugs before moving to help Cas out of his coat.

“You made me burgers?”

“Cake too.” At Cas’s incredulous look, he smiles, “I can be  _ amenable _ to other desserts, sweetheart.”

Instead of a snarky response, Cas’s smile softens and Dean’s heart  _ melts _ at the sight, “Thank you Dean. It looks amazing.” He kisses Dean, slow and sweet, before moving further into the house and sitting down.

Dean watches as his boyfriend’s eyes light up at the sight of actual vegetables, and he sees Cas raise his eyebrows in his direction.

“Hey. I can eat healthy too, ya know,” Dean winks back, and Cas laughs. God Dean loves that laugh.

“So did you make me burgers just to prove that you could eat healthy, or…”

“Asshole,” Dean laughs. “We met 15 years ago, today, Cas.”

By the look on Cas’s face, he knows. 

“I asked Garth, and he gave me the cake recipe. He also made sure I knew how happy he was about my making cake instead of pie. I told him it’s my turn to make you a fancy meal and your favorite dessert.”

“Dean. Burgers are hardly fancy.”

“Yeah but they’re your favorite, aren’t they?”

“What is this all for, Dean?”

“I wanted to do something nice for you.”

“I appreciate that.”

They sit in a comfortable, but slightly tense, silence for the rest of the main course, both very focused on their burgers to put too much into conversation.

“You know what,” Dean says suddenly, once he’s pulled out the cake. “I wanted to make a whole ceremony of this but I’m pretty sure you know where this is going.”

However, after seeing Cas’s face, he realizes he might have been mistaken.

“Dean, what are you doing?”

“We were together for four years, up to the exact date. Then I went and threw it all away. Then, two years later, a vaguely familiar author writes a book with a vaguely familiar plot. Some time after that, a vaguely familiar short, blonde director reaches out to me to star in the movie he wants to make.”

Dean takes Cas’s hands. “Five years later, you’re back in my life and I don’t know what to do with myself. Somehow, you’d forgiven me for something unforgivable, and you didn’t stop there. You let me back into your life.  _ You let me back in, _ and for that, I will always be grateful. These past five years have been the best years of my life. They’ve given me proof that we can work through the biggest of fights and the littlest of disagreements. I don’t know why, but you let me prove to you that I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you.”

Dean slowly backs away from the table, and glances down to make sure he doesn’t fall on his ass when he kneels down. Cas’s eyes become even wider, and his breath hitches.

“Cas, sweetheart. My Angel. My love. You forgave me and decided I was worth your love. Will you let me spend the rest of my life proving that you made the right decision? Will you do me the honor of being my hu-”

Cas pulls Dean off the floor with an  _ umph _ and smashes their lips together.

“Yes, Dean. A thousand times yes.”

Dean and Cas are both shaking as he slides the ring onto Cas’s hand. Dean leans his forehead against his fiancé’s.  _ Fiancé _ . Finally.


End file.
